For immediate release: Jordan King Lacroix reports on recently revealed plans Aus military to weaponise Bill Shorten’s boringness as WMD (Weapon of Mass Disinterest).
General Adam Johnson of the Australian Defence Force has unveiled plans the military had to weaponise the blandness and all around “boringness” of opposition leader Bill Shorten.
“We wanted to create a new type of WMD,” the General said in a press statement. “A Weapon of Mass Disinterest.”
“In theory, we would have liked to unleash a concentrated version of Bill Shorten against the enemy and, according to our calculations, would have put them into deep sleeps within twelve minutes.”
Bill Shorten retains about as much interest as John Kerry did against George Bush back in 2004, who ran on a similar platform of “I’m not George Bush.” As such, Shorten was the perfect choice for the weapon.
The WMD program, however, hit a snag with the first human trial run. Despite months of computer simulations and experiments on a number of rat test groups, the first human trial was a failure. The weapon, it seems, was too effective and two out of the ten participants ended up in serious comas, with others suffering minor concussions or aneurysms.
“It was just so dry,” one anonymous participant said. “We didn’t fall asleep and we couldn’t focus on remaining awake. I watched one guy start to haemorrhage right in front of me. It was awful.”
This brutal failure comes right on the heels of another failed experiment. A similar group of scientists attempted to create a crowd control weapon from research into Julie Bishop’s intense stare that resulted in the deaths of four volunteer participants.
Further research into the Shorten WMD is currently being conducted.