Jordan King Lacroix on drunk environmental researcher’s public disturbance: between fracking, climate change and El Niño, mankind’s end is clearly nigh.
Yesterday afternoon in the CBD, respected environmental researcher Andrew Chan was spotted standing atop a tall building, screaming at the gathering audience below. Sources say that a bottle of alcohol was evident in Chan’s hand.
“It’s all over, people!” Chan screamed, quoting beloved Simpsons character Reverend Timothy Lovejoy. “We don’t have a prayer!”
Co-workers say the outburst was sparked when Chan realised that no-one was willing to do anything to prevent the certain destruction of civilisation as we know it.
“The new El Niño really pushed him over the edge,” Clara Dobrowski, co-author of many of Chan’s papers, said in an interview.
“He realised that even if we tried anything now, Australia would still turn into a fiery hellscape from which there is no escape. It was too much for him. I’m still optimistic, though. For the moment.”
“It’s all over!” Drunk scientist screams from rooftop
The event to which Dobrowski refers is the new hot weather event which has already started, which will cause severe temperatures in Australia and warmer weather across the globe. Although this event is not definitively man-caused – it’s only the fourth hottest on record so far – it gives credence to the idea that mankind is doomed and that we should all say goodbye to our loved ones.
“Just grab someone near you and say ‘I love you’,” Chan said through desperate tears, throwing the bottle of alcohol from the rooftop, letting it smash on one of many food-trucks parked below, supplying food to the ever-growing crowd.
“Because it’ll all be over soon. Fracking, El Niño, the carbon in the atmosphere. That’s it – we’re tapped out.”
UPDATE: A film is already being pushed through funding about Chan’s life and works and is certain to be a darling at Cannes.