Jordan King Lacroix

Clive Palmer to become speaker of the house

Image: AAP
Image: AAP

 

After researching the candidates to take Bronwyn’s place, Jordan King Lacroix can only see one man with the necessary skills – Clive Palmer.

 

Dear Mr. Palmer,

With the Speaker’s chair now vacant, there is a minor power vacuum that needs filling. I know just the man.

That man is you.

You have the gift of the gab, the chutzpah to stand up for things. Occasionally. You know, when you’re not making your wonderful YouTube videos or accidentally saying something that could be misconstrued. But that’s what makes you, you. 

We need people like you.

What got Former Speaker Bishop in trouble was her frankly egregious abuse of spending while in office. Let’s face it, Clive, that’ll never be a problem for you! I mean, sure, you may have dropped off the Top 50 Rich List in January, but so what! You’ve got the cash to finance your own eccentricities. You’ve travelled by helicopter for years, and the thrill has worn off. At the very least, you own your own. Who could ask for more? You’re practically a shoo-in.

You are unique, Clive, let’s be honest. You’re a wildcard. A firecracker. A man with a mission. Of some kind. Do you know what the best part about all of this would be? That you would be guaranteed – do you hear me? Guaranteed! – to have the two main parties listen to you. Oh, yes. They will turn to you in moments of crisis, in moments of need and you will deign to bestow unto them the Book of Palmer.

And they will listen.

The possibilities don’t end there. You’d be on prime time for good! Every afternoon at 3 pm. Which is the minimum. Cameras aimed at you, to hear what you have to say. Unless you tar your name as badly as Bishop did, you would be (mostly) above criticism. Can you picture it, Clive? Because I can!

You’ve already been labelled “World’s Best Boss” (according to #19 on this list) after you gave such amazing gifts to your employees in 2010! I and, I feel, the Australian people can likely trust your generous inclinations. Your clearly willing to go into your own pockets to help out, but by doing so, can make each and every one of us feel loved and special. It’s what you’re good at.

It’s time now Clive, to give us your greatest gift. Yourself.

The Palmer Party already got 5% of the national vote in the last election. 5% is a lot. You’ve been called, in a loving way, a “hostile foreign power” – that means you’re powerful! You have influence! Everyone loves that stuff. Loves it. Now they will fear you. You could be bigger than big. The Titanic 2 of Politics. You see far into the future. Your masterful “Goodbye Bronwyn” video should be seen as prophetic. You did it. It really was your words that changed the tide of all this.

We’re all saying it. Trust me.

Now, just think, you’ll be able to walk through the parliamentary cafeteria, strutting your stuff, holding your head high while lesser ministers who bullied you in the Senate, denounced you, decried you, stole your lunch and policy ideas will be forced to smile out of feared respect and quietly murmur to themselves “There goes Clive Palmer, the best that ever was.”

You said that Bishop should resign because she was “biased” and that she should “let someone younger in” – well guess who’s younger, Clive? That’s right, you!

Clive to Bishop 1. Check-and-mate.

Regards,

Jordan King Lacriox

Jordan King Lacroix

Jordan King-Lacroix was born in Montreal, Canada but moved to Sydney, Australia when he was 8 years old. He has achieved a Bachelor of Arts from the University of Sydney and McGill University, Canada, as well as a Masters of Creative Writing from the University of Sydney.

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