Sam Blacker

When can we call Malcolm Turnbull “Dad”?

With our new Step-Dad-PM Malcolm Turnbull here to stay, Sam Blacker wants to know when we should start calling him “Dad.”

 

We’re still pretty young. We are still learning, finding our way in this big wide world, so we still need paternal guidance.

Until recently, we were guided by our sweet mother, Democracy, and our recent father, Tone (or Mr Abbott, as preferred to be addressed at the table). He was a weird dad, but he was our Dad. He ate onions, increased the differentiation of the minorities in the neighbourhood and ignored everyone who told him to calm down.

But he was our Dad.

Then, as so often is the case in marriage, Mum dumped Dad, and (instantly) traded him in for a trendier, more mature, sensitive guy. After one only night, she decided to bring him home and meet the kids.

Initially, we weren’t quite sure what to make of our new step-dad (his name is Malcolm), especially since Mum insisted that we immediately refer to him as Dad. It made us feel icky, but we thought, “okay”; she looked a bit worse for wear.

From the moment he walked in, we felt a change in the house. He was upbeat, positive and spent time with us, unlike one (who shall remain nameless) of Mum’s previous boyfriends, who immediately buggered off overseas and left us to feed ourselves.

New Dad made some nice murmurings about our gay brother and sister, whereas Old Dad just awkwardly excluded them from the dinner table (New Dad says it was because he felt threatened by them). New Dad also came out and said that the way a lot of our sisters were being treated was not very nice and started setting up some house rules to protect them.

The main thing that Old Dad had set up was an award system. Which was awesome. All nurtured kids love to be rewarded for good behaviour, so we had been excited to see who would win it! Unfortunately, he gave the award to Mums’ first husband, Phillip, and we had been understandably bummed about that. Malcolm took us aside and explained why this was silly, so we all laughed and were pretty happy when he declared that we weren’t going to do those awards anymore.

So our new step-dad seems pretty cool.

I’m just a little bit concerned with his friends. A little while back someone came to our door. This guy said that if we changed to his cool new clean energy provider we could potentially save money, and it could also prevent our house from burning down.

What was weird, though, was that Malcolm told us he was “friends with the guy who currently provides energy to our house” and that “the deal we currently have right now is fine,” and that, “…no, we can’t ask any more questions.”

On top of that, our step-dad’s family seem a bit odd. Some of them say his ideas about our gay brothers and sisters threaten their family’s way of life. And his weird cousin actually said the family dog might be in danger.

In fact, that was the same cousin who came to a recent family dinner and got really angry about some of the food in our house. He claimed that by buying the food we had been buying, we were supplying money to a local street gang, because they like that food too.

What is weirdest of all, though, is that apparently his family (which we don’t get to talk to) have control of a lot of his personal assets, and have said that if he doesn’t start listening to what they want, over what we want, they will actually forbid him to keep seeing our mum!

Mum got upset.

But as Christmas approaches, even though our New Dad will probably be off with Mum for that Parisian Holiday he’s planned (he said he’ll bring us something back), it’ll be both of our Dads on our mind this Chrimbo.

Why? Because Old Dad rang the house and made some weird comments, threatening to return to the family and making it like it was before. He hung up without explaining exactly how. Malcolm was listening on the other phone, and later told us that he intends to stick around and to make our family better.

But we’re confused. Which Dad is real Dad?

We didn’t ask Mum, because she’s looking a bit happier. But we’re not looking forward to Christmas this year.

Will someone get attacked with the carving knife while squabbling over the roast responsibilities? Will there be some underlying tension behind the annual Christmas game of beach cricket?

I just hope we get that shiny Rainbow Bike for Christmas, the one we’ve always wanted. New Dad says yes, but he didn’t mention Christmas, and Old Dad said he would, but that was before.

Sigh.

 

Sam Blacker

Sam Blacker is a radio jock at Wave FM Wollongong, but in his spare time will talk bollocks with a bit of swearing when he co-hosts the podcast Shut Up I’m Talking. Find him on Twitter @blackersam and check out the podcast at: www.shutupimtalkingpodcast.com.

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