Kate Turner

Obscure Ebay purchases: Mo’ money, less sense

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Approx Reading Time-11With a photo of a potato recently selling for over $1 million, cultural conquistador Kate Turner charts the strangest items sold on Ebay.

 

Ever wanted to own something so bad you paid a ridiculous amount of money for it?

As a far as I was concerned, there was only one (well two) for me. Moon boots. They were blue, sky high and groovy. They were strapped to my feet for months on end. And yeah, I didn’t eat well for those months, but I didn’t care.

Today, however, I cringe at the thought. Oh God. I even teamed them with a Matrix-looking long jacket. And my slut strands put the icing on a neo-futuristic cake.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is, we will pay a shit load of ka-ching just to have in our possession the ridiculous things we obsess about. But why?

For instance, remember when someone bought that cheese toasty that looked like it had the Virgin Mary’s face on it? They paid a whopping $28,000! Or just recently when that photo of a potato sold for over one million dollars! A potato! Or one of the most brilliant ones I think I’ve heard, a guy bought a ghost in a jar on eBay for a fucking $55,922! Whaa??

All this leads me to two solid conclusions. A) People have way too much money to spend on absolute shit! (I wonder if they ever sit at home, crippled by buyers’ remorse, knowing it’s now far beyond the point of credited returns.) And B) I should really start selling absolute shit over the net for ridiculous amounts of money. Honestly, these sellers are legitimate genius.

Just looking to my right, I see a breadcrumb sitting on a plate. Surely I could sell that for a few thousand dollars if I provided the right story: lonely little breadcrumb got left behind…indeed of a loving home.

I do get that what might be someone’s trash could be someone else’s treasure. But who thought: “Oh, the ghost I tricked into flying into this jar, well I don’t need it anymore, I’ll sell it for a crazy amount of money on eBay”?

It gets you thinking about what might be the absolute oddest thing someone might purchase.

Let’s take a look at some of these funnies that have been sold, or have tried to be sold.

 

Jesus is all around us

Amen, my brothers and sisters! But the amount of stuff for sale that kind of looks like what we know as the Jesus is insane. The price for Jesus image foodstuff used to be big dollars, but the problem with that now is that there are so many food-Jesuses that prices have drastically come down. How? Overproduction. The market now is over-saturated by type-two deitybetes. You’re looking at making only $5 for a sweet potato fry Jesus! Or $5 for a Jesus corn chip. (Though it is a great bargain for whoever needs a starter for that market.)

 

Justin Bieber’s hair clippings: $40,668

The other great religious figure of our times, Biebus, gave ambrosia of the Gods (his hair) to the mortal, Ellen DeGeneres, as a gift to auction. It later made an insane $40,668! The proceeds went to charity, which is great, but still. I think you need to question your set of morals if you would spend that much money just to own some kid’s hair. How about some toenail clippings too, a used tissue or a half drunken bottle of water? Who am I kidding – they’ve probably already been sold.

 

A suit of armour for a guinea pig: $1,150

Yeah okay, it’s funny in theory, but to pay $1,150 for the miniature handmade suit, replete with helmet, which the blacksmith promised would keep a hamster protected in any situation he finds himself in…what did the buyer think would happen that prompted them to request such an order? That a squirrel with a handmade sword and shield would fly in from the window and seek vengeance for little guinea pig stealing his squirrel girlfriend?

I would kind of like to see how that would pan out. Perhaps with the assistance of psychedelics.

 

A cornflake shaped like Illinois: $1,350

The owner of a trivia website bought it for his travel museum. Pffft, probably crumbled in his hand when he got it. Serves him right, because it’s a fucking cornflake!

 

Invisibility: $?

In this auction, the seller tells us that the secret to invisibility has been kept a secret for thousands of years, but no longer, thanks to the miracle of free enterprise that is eBay! He goes on to claim that the CIA and foreign intelligence agencies use it, probably against us.

Basically, you’d be a freakin’ fool to not purchase such information.

He also warns us that it should be used for moral purposes only. What moral purpose needs the power of invisibility? With that kind of power, it would be impossible to not break the law.

Not in a fucked up way, but I would absolutely live my childhood dream of spending the night locked in a mall.

Every store unlocked of course.

I would do so much shopping/stealing…potato/potato.

 

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