Sam Blacker

Six politicians’ pieces of political advice…to not follow

Approx Reading Time-12Politicians are great aren’t they? Not only do they run the country, but they teach us life lessons too! Here are six to help you out. Yes, you.

 

Those politicians. Up there in their Ivory Towers, what do they know about the lives of regular people, you may ask/state. Well, champ, the answer is, a lot. To get where they are, they know people, and they bloody well know the importance of acting on good advice. We’ve pulled six examples of life changing advice from those you respect the most (may contain traces of sarcasm).

 

6. Herman Cain – On the importance of preparation

In the classic, and oft used Oh-Shit-I-forgot-to-study-I’ll-just-wing-it bit, Mr Cain indirectly teaches us the importance of prior preparation. He shows (instead of telling) how delay tactics such as repeating a question endlessly and spacing out your sentences won’t make the test any shorter, nor will they make the answers appear on the face of those who asked it.

There’s a lot to unpack here. Whether it’s him shifting his water bottle around the table in an effort to distract himself from Middle Eastern geography, or sitting in front of a library, when he’s clearly adverse to reading the notes the night previous. Masterful, subversive work.

So, Mr Cain. Do you agree with President Obama’s Libya policy?

 

5. Silvio Berlusconi – On personal sacrifice

Silvio Berlusconi and Mahatma Gandhi are twins. Yes, really, because they both know that only through great personal sacrifice, can one change the collective dirt their citizens stand in. It is a humbling journey, one of antagonists’ fists clenched, instead of pats on the back. A long road without turning, with the noble betterment of your fellow man. Or, as Silvio put it: “I don’t need to go into office for the power. I have houses all over the world, stupendous boats…beautiful airplanes, a beautiful wife, a beautiful family…I am making a sacrifice.” Don’t roll your eyes, fair reader.

He later claimed that he was “the Jesus Christ of politics. I am a patient victim, I put up with everyone, I sacrifice myself for everyone.”  Okay, now you can roll your eyes.

Forza, Silvio.

 

4. Former Prime Minister of Australia, Tony Abbott – On tapering expectations

In the lead up to the 2013 election, Tony Abbott really wanted to help people out. He wanted them to not have their expectations ruined, which is why he sought out to tell people that no-one is perfect, that no-one can know everything. Really, he just wanted people to lower their expectations across the board. As true leaders do, he lead from the front, via a snappy, easy to deconstruct demonstration.

Gah. The joke! Too easy. Must fight…obvious…punchline!

 

3. Donald Trump – Dealing with the neighbours

The United States of America has a problem and it’s not the in equal distribution of wealth or easy access to guns. It’s because of that bloody loud music next door. While it may be (correctly) derided as racist, Donald Trump’s plan to build a wall to not deal with the neighbours is a sound one. Particularly from a fiduciary standpoint.

An Engineer does the Cost Estimate of Trump’s Wall

So, next time you see that neighbour next door – the one you don’t like the look of – go the Trump. Get a quote, and pop it over the fence. There’ll be no more Hola, Neighbourino.

 

2. South African President Jacob Zuma – On disease prevention

In regions such as South Africa, diseases like AIDS and HIV are still a massive problem, and the influential comments of their leaders could help guide people in the right direction. Or, not. South African President Jacob Zuma revealed how he could prevent contracting the disease after having sex an HIV-positive woman: have a shower, because it “would minimise the risk of contracting the disease [HIV]“.

Yep, that’s what he revealed during his cross examination for his rape trial that he was then found not guilty of.

Wow.

 

1. Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro – On saving on the household bills, and why you shouldn’t sleep with your ex.

Much like here, the energy prices in Venezuela are entirely unreasonable. In the South American country, however, a tipping point is afoot. An energy crisis calls for an executive decision. Fortunately, El Presidente has one. To save on the dwindling energy reserves, Venezuelan women should stop using blow dryers for their hair. It’s perfect right? Right??

This is the same man who was wearing a similar thinking hat when dealing with the food shortage endemic:

We need to reduce extreme consumption to achieve a point of equilibrium between supply and a fair price. I trust in the hardworking majority of this country.

Or in layman’s: “we have less, so eat less.”

Finally, with yet more pearls of wisdom, Mr Maduro demonstrates how continually referencing (and sleeping with…well, on top of) your ex allows no-one to move on.

Nicolas took over from the much adored Hugo Chavez, but despite the obvious handicap of Chavez being dead, it hasn’t tempered the enamourment that still burns within Maduro. In fact, he often spends the night sleeping near Chavez’s grave for inspiration: “sometimes I come at night, sometimes I sleep here, often. You don’t even realise it. The neighbours sometimes realise.”

Brah, Hugo’s gone.

Move on.

 

And because he never ever gets old, George W Bush.

Shame on you.

Sam Blacker

Sam Blacker is a radio jock at Wave FM Wollongong, but in his spare time will talk bollocks with a bit of swearing when he co-hosts the podcast Shut Up I’m Talking. Find him on Twitter @blackersam and check out the podcast at: www.shutupimtalkingpodcast.com.

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