According to those in the know, January 4th be the day when we return to online dating en masse. The Big Smoke welcomes the resumption of hostilities.
As the great disappointed fashionista/social thinker, Stanley Tucci, espoused: gird your loins, for today is like a day like no other. As we shake the emotional hangover from the silly season, and too, shed the people that we’ve collected over that time, we scour the Internet for pastures and private parts anew. Much like the commute of salmon upstream or the seagulls who follow the fishing fleet ashore, so it goes with dating apps as we recommence the laborious task of reaching into the bucket of emotional entrails to chum for someone that we can spear and/or take to meet Mumsie.
This, mind, is no verbal faff based on clueless assumption. According to professional sexual enablers Match.com, today is the day that they predict a phallic spike of of traffic on their site, as those who head back to work put their minds back to “business”. UK-based romantic analyst Kate Taylor (who incidentally, sounds like she’s never been in a relationship) put the rush to e-foreplay thusly: “After spending the holidays surrounded by family, couples, Richard Curtis films and mistletoe, having nobody to pull the other end of your cracker can start to take its toll.”
I know what you’re thinking. Richard Curtis? Wot? Incidentally, the thing I most learned from a Richard Curtis movie is to not pursue a flaky, adulterous American bint who leads you on if you happen to be Hugh Grant at his most floppiest.
As we shake the emotional hangover from the silly season, and too, shed the people that we’ve collected over that time, we scour the Internet for pastures and private parts anew.
But, that has never goosed me into a relationship, however I suppose things are different over there. The United Kingdom is a land of romance. After all, what’s more romantic than impulsively ditching the partner that treats you right after one argument, and moving back into your parents’ house? Brexit joke in 2017.
Anyhow, I digress. Whether you blame the welcoming construct of Christmas, the unlikely romcom narratives of the 1990s or the glaring gaps in your personality for your loneliness, know that we all feel the same. We’ll all be with you – dad jokes and all.
To the lovelorn masses, those on the fence regarding the plastic nature of the shallow e-dating pool, lend me your thumbs. As Immanuel Kant said: “To be is to do”.
And he died a virgin.
See you in the trenches.