Mark Thompson

Russian woman warms bed for your roubles, not your rubies

Approx Reading Time-8A Russian entrepreneur has created a startup where she turns up and warms your bed for a price. And no, not like that. Grow up, you lot.

 


She’s bringing feudal back. A pioneering Russian is exhuming a role once performed during long-dead serfdom. Yea, the brainchild of 21-year-old Viktoria Ivachyova, the bed warmer returns to the job pool.

As Vika’s main market is single men, questions are inevitably asked. Such is the parallel between a massage and…a massage. These implications are rebuked by the young founder, who claims a stoic nyet to shenanigans of the flesh, because it’s not about that. This is a service which is all about the temperature of the sheets, not the actions between them.

Here’s how it works. Vika arrives, changes into her pajamas, warms your bed, leaves. She is also open to conversation. Incidentally, she also rolls with a security detail, the kind with hidden tattoos and shallow eyes, who kick the door off the hinges with arms drawn if the panic button she wears is activated. Sounds a bit like a modern Bond reboot: Cold War relic tries to seduce exotic bedwarmer in a time he doesn’t understand, cue the men with guns and the familiar, jangly guitar. I mischenterpreted her busichiness intenschions.

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Vika charges £65 per night or £1,350 for the month, and says she is now forming a team of bed warmers to properly corner that tricky corner of the bed warming market. Sorry, sheet joke.

Great, dosvidaniya and godspeed to you, Vika, but as someone who is awkward with conversing with strangers in my bed, and shirks furniture, toilets or indeed anything warmed by the heat of another, it’s a polite yeah, nah from me.

For what it’s worth, the idea was gleaned from Russian literature, so for those looking for inspiration for their startup, how about an App that allows disparate farmers to sell all the livestock for a pittance to a local gypsy, or a mobile conversion van for ease of connection to Jesus for the discerning ex-nihilist two-time murderer, or…well, I was going to make a Lolita reference, but this is a family publication. Da?

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