Kayne Taylor

Burgers I’ve burgled: Superbowel Week

burger
Image: Pulp Fiction (Miramax 1994)

Approx Reading Time-10All those burgers I’ve eaten. All those missed social engagements, all those squandered paycheques. Meh. Have done, will do again. House, schmouse.

 

 

 

Let’s just call it what it is: an addiction. I looked around my apartment this week, to see what I’ve done while chasing the beefy dragon. The furniture setting now references Barney’s, when he shot that short film. The refrigerator, anaemic, silently judges me because I won’t be seeing it for dinner. Again. The bank account has scraped the bottom of the barrel so often that it now has a mirror shine to it. Don’t cry for me, I’m already dead.

A year of professionally (semi) hooking a greasy galaxy of sandwiched meat to my veins has done things to me. Mostly positive, but there’s a nagging voice within that pushes me toward the burger world, because they get me, seconds before I end their existence. I fear that, unchecked, I’m going to end up talking to them, à la Tom Hanks in Castaway.

 

Exhibit A: The Annandale Hotel’s Infamous Primo – Sydney

Abandon all hope, ye who enter. My lazy trope to the Annandale Hotel ended when I met this hot, saucy piece of saucy hot. There he/she/it stood, buns akimbo, making it very clear that it would be available, if I wanted it. A kind of cheap availability that steps in between tacky and really tacky. Phwoar.

I would.

What’s on it:

  • Double signature wagyu blend
  • Double American cheese
  • Famous crispy AF bacon
  • Westmount pickled jalapeños
  • Iceberg lettuce and twice-fried, beer-battered onion rings on Sydney’s softest milk buns

 

Exhibit B: Varsity Burgers’ The Presley – Perth

Elvis Presley is an inspiration to me. Not his music, I think it’s wobbling shite, but the depths of his binge eating in later years. So it goes that the sandwich that killed the King is now in burger form, and surely now I’ll slip (operative term) into the grave in an identical fashion to my Burger Yoda. On the loo, watching tele.

What’s in it:

  • Double wagyu patties
  • Double American cheddar
  • Bacon
  • Crunchy peanut butter
  • Smashed banana and pickle

 

Exhibit C: Jack’s Double Bacon Cheeseburger – Newtown

And finally, as a… burger… guy… I see, digest and ultimately pass… judgement… on the most Frankenstein of creations in the name of burger science. But sometimes one does not need to play God, to be God. Whoa. I’ll leave you with this, an example of how simplicity can enable a foodgasm powerful enough to shatter a window.

What’s in it:

  • Double beef
  • Double crispy bacon
  • Double American cheddar
  • Lettuce
  • Tomato, pickles and Jack’s secret sauce!

 

Anyway.

I’m going back to bed.

Unless the maker claims me, see you next week?

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