With the gobsmacking news that a string of Earth-like planets has been discovered, it seems that scientists have already launched ships in their direction – with rather spurious reasons why.
After the news broke about astronomers discovering a solar system nearby with seven Earth-like planets, it has come to light that scientists have already launched secret Human Arks in that direction.
“We had just discovered the solar system and were trying to keep it under wraps before launch day, but someone…” Dr Milton Keenes said in an interview, before glaring to a figure off-camera, “…couldn’t keep it off Twitter.”
The team is quite secure in their thinking that at the very least, one of the planets (1F) will be habitable. The Arks represent the most technically advanced space-faring vessel ever built, being the first to be kitted out with the newly developed ion drive.
“We knew we were going to need these pretty soon,” Keenes cheerily continued on, patting the giant ship’s side, before glumly adding “Now…with Trump in? No better time like the present.”
When asked how the Arks were going to be populated, Keenes said that 50,000 people from across the globe were selected “at random” thanks to a “clever” selection algorithm, which measured attributes such as sexual fertility, breeding aptitude and fornication proclivity. He quickly defended the selection criteria as a “matter of continuation for humanity”.
With the old propulsion systems, the 39-light-year journey would have taken almost 1.5 million years. Now, with the new ion drives in place, it will be a significantly shorter trip. Despite this, none of the people embarking on the journey will ever see the new planets.
“The people who arrive at Planet 1F or its neighbours, or New Earth as we’ve been calling it around here, will never have seen Old Earth,” Keenes said, climbing into the ship, releasing the sound of what could safely be described as “revelry” into the launch pad this journalist stood in.
“But that’s something we accept. Not sitting in the shade of a tree we planted, and all that and et cetera. Hopefully, there are no alien Trumps where we’re going, eh?”
The ships – long gone at this point – are on their way into the unknown, to find a new home for humanity. One, one can presume, where car keys are exchanged freely.