Tinder users can expect an entirely new experience, as profiles will now be rated between one and ten and matched to only those who share the same number.
In response to the negative headlines surrounding those who swiped right and fell afoul of the law, or indeed the law of averages, the executives of Tinder have struck back, implementing what they call “a sweeping change in the Tinder experience.”
“The problem”, an executive exclusively revealed to The Big Smoke, “is that there are too many ways to make yourself look decent”, before adding, “what we’ve found is this misrepresentation leads to disappointment, which in turn makes Tinder look bad. It’s not our fault you’re fuck ugly.”
Users of the popular app will be subject to these changes the next time they update. “The algorithms will automatically sift through a user’s profile, taking in not only their looks, but the grade of their pick-up lines and the amount of times the user has drunkenly messaged someone that wanted nothing to do with them. From that data, it calculates a number between 1-10. After that calculation has been made, users will only be matched with users of a similar number.”
When asked if this removes the romance of romance, or if this elimination of choice is illegal, the executive responded flatly, “No. Too long have these people been lied to. By themselves, by their mates. We’re being a real friend to them, by telling them the truth. Punching above your weight is a myth.”
The proposed moves are seemingly based in truth, as the moves Tinder are making have been cobbled together by user feedback and behaviour. “It’s simple. These hopeful pricks turn up to dates, hoping that the other person isn’t going to notice. They’re only thinking about themselves. We’re focusing on the disappointed. Those who put their time in, only to be immediately dashed, have to somehow tiptoe their way around leaving, and find solace in a kebab on the way home.”
“It’s all about balance.”
The Big Smoke reached out to some fuckboyz for comment, but they’re yet to return our messages.