Dog ownership is great. However, sharing a breed with history’s greatest monsters is another thing entirely. To prove it, we asked some dog owners.
Dogs love too much. The problem with that is not with them, rather with us. Which is to say, who we are. And some of us, are history’s greatest monsters. There’s something that lies unaddressed in the owner/doggo world. It ignores our commands and buggers off into the yard, guiding us to that awkward realisation that occurs when you find yourself walking the same breed of dog as someone infamous – a theoretical question, but one that needs addressing nonetheless. How would you feel? We asked a cross-section of our writers, friends and dog-park comrades what they thought.
Dog: Scottish Terrier (Max)
Famous Owners: Eva Braun, George W Bush
Well, there’s really only one gesture that covers it. Allow me to bite into my knuckle and suck my teeth. I’ve actually looked this up previously. I’ve always wanted a Scottie, so in the interim of getting one, I Googled the shit out of the breed. So, yes, I know about Eva, which was a pleasant surprise because I mistakenly thought that Adolf owned one. Although, I suppose marrying Hitler is as bad as being Hitler. That’s a bit of bummer.
Also, slight trivia note, did you know that Hitler poisoned the thing he loved most in the world?
His dog, not Eva.
And who gets married in a bunker?
As for Dubya, yeah he was a warmonger with daddy issues, but his numerous mistakes as POTUS made me laugh. It’s almost nostalgic to look back now, laughing at him mash Who songs into homespun truisms. Good times.
Although he did bomb the tripe of out Iraq, which is still going on two Presidencies later. Bad times.
The Scottish Terrier, a great breed to keep you company while bodies pile up around you.
Owner: Mathew Mackie, Editor of The Big Smoke
Breed: Australian Shepherd (Zellie)
Famous Owners: Zac Efron, Amanda Seyfried, Steven Spielberg
Well, to be perfectly frank, there’s a dearth of bent genius/warmongers here. I was hoping for someone divisive to own one. Like Pablo Escobar. Or Susan B Anthony. But no, for such an excellent breed, good looking, uber-smart, loyal, they’ve been saddled with some really average partners. A guy who pretended to work a hospital and made brutally unfunny references to himself (I think that was Zac Braff), a woman who pretended to be in ABBA, and that bloke who made movies where everything worked out in the end. Except for Saving Private Ryan, but he made that whole thing up. Lies, all lies.
I don’t want to sound like a hipster here, but for a hipster breed, they’re pretty Hollywood.
Owner: Jenna Martin, Writer
Breed: Border collie (Jed)
Famous Owners: Megan Gale, James Dean
It’s a lot of pressure being an owner of a border collie, as they are universally acknowledged to be excellent dogs so you always worry yours won’t look as amazing as others in comparison. Border collies are notoriously smart and notoriously eager to please their owners by showing you how smart they are. Which means that if ever a famous person has one, you’re gonna bet they’ll be boasting on social media about how damn amazing their dog is.
So now I’m sitting here, going, I’m sure your dog Bosco is fabulous, Megan Gale, but does he shake hands with you when you say “Hello, Mr President”? ‘Cause my dog (Jed Bartlet) does. Except I’m not a supermodel so no one knows because no one follows my dog on Instagram. (But you can: @diaryofjed)
Owner: Alex Tselios, Publisher of The Big Smoke
Breed: Pug (Bette)
Famous Owners: Robin Williams, Valentino and Queen Victoria
Other than Paris Hilton, most of the owners of Pugs are people I think are fabulous. Norman Mailer and Andy Warhol both had pugs and Robin Williams said “I have a gay rescue pug called Leonard, who I take for walks, because I am very secure in my sexuality. He has a boyfriend and they are planning to adopt a Siamese kitten together. We’re very modern.” Pugs are generally seen as the clowns of the animal world, and whether they are accidentally sneezing in your face or snoring louder than any man, they make life a lot more fun. Valentino famously flew his Pugs around in his private jet during his 2009 biopic saying “I don’t care about the collection. My dogs are more important.”
Owner: Pendlebury Wicks, Teacher/Writer
Breed: Black Lab (Deezy)
Famous Owners: Vinnie Jones, Dick Cheney
There are a thousand points of contention (well three), and it’s worthy to note the black labs are vastly different to their chocolate counterparts (who are fucking loco), but I’m going to have to go with notable target/balding conservative political goose Dick Cheney for two reasons: 1) he named them after people (Dave) and 2) he dresses them up.
Both of which make me very proud.