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#AusPol winners and losers: Whose hubris is in surplus?

winners

Approx Reading Time-11Budget impersonations, schoolyard hijinks and tasteful semi-nudes. It’s been a fairly normal week in the rolling seas of #AusPol. Let us wheel out the participation ribbons.

 

 

 

Every Friday, your trusty commentators at The Big Smoke review the most lauded plays in the game of #AusPol from the week previous. Passionate? Unquestionably. Conniving? Undoubtedly. But it’s not about that. Headlines need to be made and an audience needs to be entertained. So, who won?

 

Winners

Christopher Pyne, for making us all saps for his trunks.

The beauty of beauty is that it arrives in many unexpected forms, and the remainder of Christopher Pyne brings to one’s mind a hobgoblin under the sudden duress of an unexpected electric shock, as illustrated below:

SG_729_surprise-20131129195929654704-620x349

But, it would be unwise to point, laugh or scoff in derision at his features, because this week we discovered he’s hiding something beautiful underneath those trousers, something wonderful that is just aching to come out.

via GIPHY

 

Mark Latham, for sneaking back into class while the teacher wasn’t looking.

We all went to school with a Latham. The person who had no scruples, nor decency – we laughed at them in spite of their continued efforts to get on the teachers’ nerves and, ultimately, kicked out of class. We never saw them outside of school, as the length of our relationship extended to disguising claps when they were proudly hauled out, and disguising smirks when they re-enter the classroom through a window, resuming a different seat and hoping that the teacher wouldn’t notice.

So it goes with the return of Latham to the senate. Surely it can’t last, but we’ll gleefully savour whatever time we’re granted with him before he’s banished to the principal’s office once more.

 


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Losers

Barnaby Joyce’s party side.

Look what you’ve done to this happy go lucky scamp, his buzz infinitely killed by the millions he’s never had a chance to win over. His wobbly-armed revelry loosened from the sweet release of hops will now rigidly find his lap in parliamentarian stature. The chipped and weatherbeaten Coyote Ugly soundtrack, which bears the scars of a thousand battles waged against the moonlight, may never spin again, and the hopes of a casual post-work drink turning into a pre-ED aperitif will remain forever dashed. The tragedy is that the fun Barnaby will only live on in memory, to be recycled at those sessions where his presence is lacking.

Remember what it looks like. And remember what you squandered in the name of vengeance.

Vaya con dios, three-beer Barnaby. You were too beautiful for this world.

 

Bill Shorten, for being our Labor-ed.

Politics, it quickly becomes obvious to anyone who donates time to it, is a schoolyard filled with balding children. A place where the years of unobtrusive, unheralded social climbing is forever flamed after one unfortunate accident involving a public act of shame that may not have even happened. A place where the crowd quickly turns and hurls half thought-out not-at-all-savvy nicknames that make no sense yet somehow stick, with the only way out being in twisting their crap insult against them in an even more half-arsed higher pitched whine, hoping they’d latch onto someone else.

Labor budget! Labor budget! Nyer nyer. Oi, Where’s ya Labor budget, Labor?

 


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Honourable mentions

The “Golden Emerson” – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh – goes to:

Peter Dutton, for confuzzling his detractors.

It’s been a confusing week for those who raise their voices and typing fingers against Beelzebub’s accountant. While those opposed can point their open palms, lips pursed at his criticism of Fairfax, Dutton also commented on the Alan Joyce pie incident, speaking out against the perpetrator, who acted out of opposition to same-sex marriage.

 

“The Bushie” – the George W Bush commemorative plaque to honour outstanding performance in the field of trumpeted “fact” – goes to:

Tony Abbott, for presenting the true value of the united front.

This week’s budget was, to be entirely fair…more than a bit Laborish (despite what Labor may state), and former-PM Tony Abbott made his feelings known in the seconds after ScoMo’s QT grandstanding: Antonio don’t play that.

 

 

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