Exclusively speaking to TBS, special advisor to the President/Dad, Ivanka Trump outlines her plan to save the Presidency. Step one, get him out of the country.
“Hi Kellyanne,” I said cheerily as we met in a White House corridor, “what’s the general reaction round here to Mueller’s appointment as special counsel?”
“Like he’s the Barbarian at the Gates,” replied Kellyanne, “and your Dad has ordered everyone to man the barricades.”
“I heard him describe it as a witch hunt,” I observed.
“That was to try and divert attention to me,” revealed Kellyanne.
“The Democrats see Mueller as the Knight in Shining Armour,” I opined, “appearing on cue to drive the tyrant Trump from the Snow White House.”
“What advice are you giving your Dad?” asked Kellyanne.
“I told him to go on an overseas trip,” I responded, “because the American public doesn’t really grasp the relevance of anything west of Boston.”
“However,” said Kellyanne in a cautionary tone, “it seems unlikely that your Dad will be able visit Saudi Arabia, Israel, the West Bank, the Pope, NATO and the G7 without at least causing a minor global crisis.”
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“I advised Dad to go to the Middle East,” I explained, “because it’s arguably the only part of the world where he can’t make things any worse.”
“How has your Dad prepared for his meeting with the Pope?” asked Kellyanne.
“Religiously,” I replied. “He can’t wait to discuss with him how the Vatican has managed to build a wall right round itself and deny entry to refugees yet avoid criticism from the UN and human rights organisations.”
“Do you think your Dad regrets firing Comey?” asked Kellyanne.
“Good heavens no,” I replied emphatically, “he’s determined to drain the Washington swamp because he’s fed up with being up to his arse in alligators.”
“What do you see as the main challenge looming for your Dad?” asked Kellyanne.
“Finding a safe haven for Mueller” I replied “after his investigations lead to the inevitable conclusion that Dad is as pure as Oprah Winfrey. There’s a chance he’ll be able to join Edward Snowden in Moscow as long as he doesn’t reveal that the Russians are to blame for everything.”
“Do you think there’s a chance your Dad could be impeached?” asked Kellyanne.
“Well he’s already been divorced twice,” I explained, “so a third time isn’t out of the question.”
“What’s it like,” asked Kellyanne, “acting as a Presidential advisor to your Dad?”
“It’s like being head of a nuclear disarmament lobby group,” I replied, “in North Korea.”