In her latest exclusive communiqué from Washington, Ivanka gives an account of the debriefing she gave Reince and Kellyanne on her overseas trip with Dad.
“Dad was amazing overseas,” I asserted. “In fact, he couldn’t possibly have done more for the country even if he’d stayed at home.”
“Particularly in foreign affairs,” commented Reince.
“What would you say” asked Kellyanne “were the main contributions he made to peace and stability in the Middle East?”
“Dad did a major arms deal with Saudi Arabia,” I explained. “He agreed to continue major arms deals with Israel, he decided against relocating the American Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem or including it in a new settlement on the West Bank, he urged Abbas to kickass Hamas and he didn’t stay around long enough to do any lasting damage.”
“That’s the sort of leadership the world’s been waiting for,” declared Reince.
“How did your Dad go at the Vatican?” enquired Kellyanne.
“Whilst it’s true the Pope rejected most of the gospel according to Trump” I conceded, “he gained invaluable insight into the success of the Wall round the Vatican in keeping out Muslim refugees and he agreed to ghost-write the Pope’s next encyclical on the need to reduce the number of countries signed up to the Paris Accord to zero by 2080.”
“I hear he took the Pope’s confession” revealed Reince “and as a penance made him say three hundred Make America Great Agains.”
“How did he handle the EU?” asked Kellyanne.
“With aplomb” I responded “before he decided to Trexit.”
“And what about the G7?” persisted Kellyanne.
“He decided to form the G1 breakaway group,” I explained.
“That’s what I call splendid isolation,” pronounced Reince.
“Was there any sign of your Dad pursuing his quest for world domination?” enquired Kellyanne.
“Hardly,” I replied. “He’s got to dominate the Republican Party first.”
“How do you feel” asked Kellyanne “about the inquiries into your husband’s dealings with the Russians?”
“Quite relaxed” I explained “because what you have to understand is that Dad only appointed Jared and me to his administration so he could share the blame round the family.”
“So did Jared really try to establish a clandestine connection with Russia” asked Kellyanne “through diplomatic channels?”
“Of course,” I confessed. “But it was only to support the business partnership between me and the Russian Ambassador to launch my fashion range in Moscow.”
“I know,” announced Reince. “I got a leak from Edward Snowden about it only last week.”