Frank Rarely, head of Fake News at our Canberra Bureau, flew to London for an exclusive post-election interview with Theresa May. Here’s the account of their cathartic conversation.
“Tell me Theresa” began Frank, “what went wrong?”
“Things just couldn’t have gone better” responded Theresa, “and I should like to take this opportunity to say to all the Conservative candidates who either lost their seats or failed to win one ‘good riddance, you losers’.”
“Do you feel that voters were sending a message that they wanted to Leave Brexit and Remain?” asked Frank.
“I rather think they felt that the parliamentary Conservative Party was a touch too large and needed adjustment” replied Theresa thoughtfully, “so they terminated our majority to enable us to operate more efficiently.”
“How did you manage to convert a 20-point lead into a hung parliament?” asked Frank.
“I just campaigned like a normal politician,” replied Theresa.
“Do you feel that your Brexit negotiating position” enquired Frank “has been compromised by this election result?”
“Not really,” replied Theresa. “As I read it, voters still want me to have the EU on toast with a Brexit done more soft than hard and possibly scrambled to poach as much as possible.”
“Why was it” asked Frank “that after three terrorist attacks, an apologist for the IRA, Hamas and Hezbollah like Corbyn could get so much support?”
“Well, we haven’t yet had time for a full investigation” explained Theresa, “but the only possible conclusion is that the election was influenced by Corbyn’s mad Marxist mates in Russia who were of course responsible for getting Trump elected as well.”
“What is Corbyn’s policy on Islamic State?” asked Frank.
“To humbly apologise to them,” replied Theresa.
“Can you really deliver a government of certainty in coalition with the DUP?” asked Frank.
“Well the Queen believed me,” Theresa reminded him.
“So what are your immediate plans?” queried Frank.
“First of all” revealed Theresa, “I plan to go on a sadomasochistic weekend with Philip because that will be the ideal way to prepare for the start of Brexit negotiations.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to hang on to the PM’s job?” asked Frank.
“Absolutely” responded Theresa with conviction, “because saving the UK from Boris is just as crucial as saving it from the EU.”
“Do you think that Boris would make a better PM than Corbyn?” asked Frank.
“Immeasurably better” declared Theresa, “because after all he’s a Conservative who went to Eton.”