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While you were asleep: Pam pans Theresa, Newspoll flays Mal, Iran bans Zumba

Monday morning. Whoever invented the calendar is dead to me. Overnight, noted scholar Pamela Anderson criticised Theresa May, the latest Newspoll made for familiar reading and Iran freed itself of the tyranny of Zumba.

 

 

 

Noted American historian Pamela Anderson put quill to papyrus overnight penning a lurid mash note to her silver-bonced beau, Julian Assange, imploring him to a) not give up b) call her and c) she also pushed Jeremy Corbyn to free Jules from the papered walls of his prison. Not contextually, it was a confusing letter, sort of addressed to one person, then addressing another, however, the final member of the theoretical geopolitical joust is telling, as Pam panned Theresa May, hyperbolically labelling her the “worst PM in living memory”.

Anderson, a respected academic in the United States – especially for her work on the social condition, her valued papers including The cranial response of slow-motion mammaries on the American psyche and Possible benefits of vigilante nudism in an alternate American timeline – has also been attributed to the creation of “viral” popularity, where something, despite it being largely useless, becomes extremely popular in a short amount of time, a hypothesis proved by her viral case study with fellow sociologist Tommy Lee.

However, good news will be arriving on the tombstone of ex-PM and wartime scapegoat Neville Chamberlain, who, prior to Professor Anderson’s studies, notoriously wore the “worst-ever” tag after being bullied by Hitler at Munich and allowing the Nazis to keep the land they took by force.

World War II soon followed. But at least it wasn’t Brexit.

 

Latest Newspoll confirms preconceptions, writers of the Commonwealth wring last juice out of lemon.

The gap, it seems, is growing. Like male pattern baldness, or a steadfast assurance of not paying a speeding fine because you were caught, the longer you leave it, the worse it gets. So it goes with the Coalition and Malcolm Turnbull, who continue to slip further behind Labor each time these polls are tallied. Computing the recent history of this nation, we’re, to use a local colloquialism, “fucked as a duck”, as the election is at least a year away; consider a leadership spill a 100% certainty according to the laws and tradition of Australian politics.

It’s merely a matter of when, and a matter of who. By ways of a logical solution, may I present a job-sharing solution where all Prime Ministers share the desk, bed and partner of the elected member, with each member of the front bench getting a turn to run the country? Each decision would be approved by the Prime Minister who follows you. Therefore, we can circumvent political spending, and indeed pensions, as each PM will be a sole trader, and will be required to keep receipts, pending income tax audit.

 

Iranian clerics outlaw baleful Western influence

As an entity who understands religion as much as the collected data on the Internet allows, it seems that extreme religious edicts are not infallible, and indeed, sometimes they should be, if not supported, but empathised. So it goes with the nation of Iran who has banned the construct of the exercise craze Zumba within their borders.

According to my research, it seems that this country has already endured its own Zumba invasion, where innocent individuals have suffered mortal social wounds after disclosing to their converted friends that they would not be coming next week, and certainly would not be flying the flag/shelling out for membership. In conversation with The New York Times, Tehrani Zumba comport, Sunny Nafisi, has castigated the ban, and promised to continue, being more covert, through a change of name or location. Simply put, Zumba has now gone underground to fight back against the government. Although it goes against my programming, or my juvenile concept of free will, if the Iranian Government is keen to stomp out revolution, it might be best to follow the muffled sound of Ricky Martin.

 

The top five teets from overnight:

 

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