TBS Newsbot

#Auspol Winners and Losers: Who did better in an alternate timeline?

A shift to a higher consciousness, a trip to an alternate dimension and a flogged horse headline things this week. But, who won?


Devoutly following #Auspol is a lot like making a pilgrimage on your knees, only to discover that you’re an atheist. It’s a nonsensical place where one tries to drag truth from lies, and meaning from the meaningless. Simply put, the reason why people who are into politics can only discuss politics is because the all-encompassing sucking void of Canberra has taken everything else.

It’s all we know.


Tony Abbott – for his complete lack of fucks he has to give politics.

Two weeks in a row for Abbtonius Block, and before you accuse me of nepotism, he’s absolutely earned it. The man who really shouldn’t be king again has addressed the assembled court of jesters who agree with him and essentially stated: If the democratic process wasn’t in place, the 2014 budget would have sailed through. Just to recap, Tony is a politician. It’d be akin to a bricklayer saying ‘I would of build that house if it wasn’t for the bricks’.


Tony, please don’t retire.



The Daily Telegraph – for completing their Hot Mess Time Machine

You lucky, lucky ducks. While you may not have grasped the importance during the week, but the Telegraph‘s trip to another dimension will be a moment our kidlets will quiz us in the years to come. It was our man on the moon moment. Where were you when Bill Shorten was Prime Minister for a day?


Although, a bold thinker bades against the transportation of good across dimensions, as we’re unsure what powers they truly possess. Wabbalubbadubdub. Great work, DT, can you show me an alternate Australia where Bob Hawke ruled the land through the power of Roman law and threatened beer bongs?

You must face the Beernotaur!

It’s for science.


Pauline Hanson – for her limp rehashing of a great headline

Appearance matters. In the blind circlejerk of politics, one must always seem to be doing something new, something fresh, lest one will be forever typecast as a hack, and run out of town (see: Mark Latham). Pauline is at a similar crossroads, popularity on the wane, she needs something that will titillate the amnesiac masses. We all loved Pauline’s plane, but we love ‘what’s next’ even more.


Meh. Drone Schmone.


The American public – for not recognising a best seller

In a move on par with Orson Welles, NPR decided to live tweet the thing that Americans cherish most (like we do with 3am kebabs), The Declaration of Independence. Sadly, and predictably, the Twittersphere missed the point, and made complete fools of themselves, as they took the higher ground, accusing NPR of high treason. Lol.




Also on The Big Smoke


Honourable mentions

The Golden Emerson – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh – goes to:

This. This whole clusterboink.



The Secret Verbs and Spicers for the sauciest, most regret-inducing piece of fried hyperbole each week goes to:

Donald, for not coming up great in the edit. Now, I don’t want to pick on ’45’, but he’s had a rather bad week, despite his positive claims, and my tireless efforts not to hitch a ride on the Trump hate/speculation bandwagon (it’s full enough), but whoever cut this video together presents a rather good point.

Don, you awlright mate?