I recently won a position at Gwyneth Paltrow’s company, Goop. For about eight hours. After that my spirit left the building, and me soon after it.
I arrived at Goop headquarters for my first day of work around 8 am or so. I wasn’t actually sure what time I was supposed to show up as they told me to “come in when you feel centered” and that coming in to work without my chakras properly aligned was a fire-able offence.
I met with HR to get my ID badge and was told I had to pick a “spirit name” to have on my ID as well as my real name. I went with Firedancer just because I thought it sounded cool. We had to have our astrological sign written on our badges as well. So my badge read “Amy Stewart, Firedancer, Sagittarius”.
We went over a few of the basics like salary, vacation days (which they call replenishing days) and if I wanted to have an extra 5-10% taken out of each paycheck. I assumed this was for an enhanced 401k or something like that, but I was informed the more I have taken out of each paycheck, the more likely I am to meet Gwyneth Paltrow. So basically they wanted to pay me less money to increase my chances of meeting my boss.
I declined the offer – this was the beginning of the end for me at Goop.
The HR person looked at me like I was crazy, no one had ever taken less than a 5% pay cut for the glorious chance of meeting Gwyneth. She explained it to me a few more times as if I didn’t understand, but I held firm and politely declined. She then rushed me out of her office and pick up her phone to make a call.
Next stop was the cleansing ritual which all new employees apparently have to go through. Being female, I was told I would have my vagina examined and be required to choose between having a jade egg up there all day or a quick vaginal steaming. I managed to avoid it by saying I had already steamed my vajayjay that morning using a Goop product I had purchased for a few hundred dollars. That seemed to placate them.
I finally made it my desk/cubicle to find that I had no chair, only an “energy ball” to sit on. That’s fine I decided and turned on my iMac to get going. I lasted about 30 minutes before we had a “Collective consciousness meeting” (staff meeting) to see if anyone had any new ideas for things that women could shove up their hoohaws. We were told Gwyneth would be attending the meeting and I must admit I was excited (having chosen not to have my wages garnished for this opportunity) only to find out that she was only joining us “in spirit” and she was sending positive vibes to all of us.
As I said, the meeting was mostly about coming up with new things to sell women and how to convince them to put them inside their vaginas, but also about how to fight against doctors and scientists who were bullying the company. This went on for a few hours and it was finally time for a break. I went to the Energy Chamber (break room) and pulled out my snack…then all hell broke loose.
“What are you eating!!”, “Are you crazy?!?”, “You can’t eat chemicals here!!” were just some of the comments and screams from my new coworkers. Apparently bringing in a granola bar was very taboo. They took my lunch bag away from me and threw it right in the garbage, telling me they were doing me a favour. I was then treated to a kale and oxygen sandwich, which apparently is “chemical free” and will help flush out dangerous toxins.
By about 1:30 in the afternoon I was so dizzy and tired from lack of calories and “chemicals” that I almost passed out. I told my boss I was going for a Mind Walk (these are encouraged to employees) and wanted to connect with the nature surrounding Goop. I made a sharp left turn as soon as I was out of sight and made a bee line for my gas guzzling, non-electric car.
I haven’t been back there for almost three weeks and no one has even called me. I’m guessing they think my chakras are out of line and I am unable to come to work. I’m not sure if these count towards my vacation days (sorry replenishing days) or not, but I’m not saying a word.