Two Truths and a Lie

Fake News or Real? NASA confirms darkness, Pregnancy test diagnoses testicular cancer and Trump the atheist?

You ain’t supposed to be ’round here, boy. Me either, to be honest. My car broke down and now I’m stuck here. By the way, have you heard the one about Reddit and the missing testicle?

 

 

Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could Shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.

Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.

 

Curio #1: Trump claims Christians are too moral for business, that is why he is an atheist.

To many, Donald Trump is the devil. Which is why I find it odd that some believe him to be an atheist. This original sin of assumption was committed by those who decided not to read his good book, but live their life according to the teachings of it. The passage in question stateth: “Being an atheist gives me an edge in every deal. Christians are too moral for business.” Which does indeed sound like the voice of our loud, but that quote never appeared in his bible The art of the deal.

However, this is merely the second of two recorded miracles, in which Donald was misquoted for saying something not true and/or hurtful. The other being his appearance with psychic medium Phil Donahue, when the orange was attributed to stating that his godlike intellect is the reason why he doesn’t believe in one. In fact, it was “impossible for him not to be one” (an atheist).

Fortunately, we came through that obvious test twice, as we know him to truly not possess either thing. Sad!

 

 Curio #2: Can a pregnancy test diagnose testicular cancer?

Much like that old TV show where customers inadvertently purchase items that are ironically cursed, because The Devil (Hello again, Donald) comes a tale from the extremely reliable-sounding Reddit source ‘CappnPoopdeck’ (I was unable to confirm if he was a doctor), who entered a lengthy diatribe about a friend of a friend of hers, who took a pregnancy test, which returned a positive result and three steps later, boom! Testicular Cancer. In fact, it turned out that pregnancy tests will record a positive result upon the detection of the hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG), which is produced not only by pregnant women but also by some men with testicular tumours.

So, not for the first (or last time) on Reddit, a joke that wasn’t funny became much less funny.

Regarding this whole clusterboink, an actual medical person states:

Just because the test helped this man get a positive cancer diagnosis doesn’t mean it’s a reliable tool everyone should use, according to the American Cancer Society.The organisation put the question to Ted Gansler, director of medical content, who wrote that “only a small minority of men” with testicular cancer have HCG levels high enough to be detected by a home pregnancy test. He added that “several non-cancerous conditions can cause false positive results.”

According to Gansler, “current evidence does not indicate that screening the general population of men with a urine test for HCG (or with urine or blood tests for any other tumour marker) can find testicular cancer early enough to reduce testicular cancer death rates.”

One thing men can do is be on the lookout for lumps in the testicles and see your doctor if you find one. Testicle pain or swelling and heaviness or aching in the lower abdomen are also possible signs of testicular cancer.

As for the Cappn, the doctors removed a tumour from her friend’s moneybag, one which was caught early enough to treat. She took to Reddit to thank everyone involved. Although, if the Internet was talking about my dangling bits, but also saved them…I don’t know how I’d feel about that.

 

Curio #3: NASA confirms 15 days of darkness in November, goths worldwide celebrate with jubilant moping.

Spoiler alert: It’s bogus. Unless they’re talking about the dark days of soul. In that case, completely confirmed. Over at the Fake News factory (Hello again, Donald) Newswatch33, which sounds like a crap opiate in a book, or a roving gang on street journalists in a movie, you know the one, where the protagonist has problems controlling his mood, but somehow always remains a monotonal cool (Mad Max? – Ed), have claimed that the world will be covered in darkness this year, as the end is nigh. Again.

From the article:

NASA has confirmed that the Earth will experience 15 days of total darkness between November 15 and November 29, 2015. The event, according to NASA, hasn’t occurred in over 1 Million years.

Astronomers from NASA have indicated that the world will remain in complete darkness starting on Sunday, November 15, 2015 at 3 a.m. and will end on Monday, November 30, 2015 at 4:15 p.m. According to officials, the “November Black Out” event will be caused by another astronomical event between Venus and Jupiter.

Charles Bolden, who was appointed to head of NASA by President Obama, issued a 1000 page document explaining the event to the White House.

To momentarily quote Billy Madison: No, no they didn’t. To which Newswatch33 probably retorted “…no, no they didn’t. But you can imagine if they did, right?”

Just get on the bus. 

 

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