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How do you solve a problem like Tony?

Source: discordia.com.au

Tony Abbott remains a problem for Malcolm Turnbull. Solving that problem may take some innovative thinking, so we travelled to Canberra, via Rooty Hill.

 

 

Cec Poole, Adjunct Professor of Political Sciences at Rooty Hill University, was appointed by Malcolm as his special advisor on what to do about Tony. Writing exclusively for The Big Smoke readers Cec summarises the learned advice he has given Malcolm so far.

My first task for Malcolm was to put the Tony problem into proper perspective by identifying the actual degree of threat it posed. My conclusion was that he has the potential to stuff the Coalition even more comprehensively than Kevin and Julia lacerated Labor, Clive put down the PUP and Trump truncated the Clinton dynasty.

I further advised Malcolm that in my expert opinion the chances of Tony snagging a post in the Vatican working with his mate George had gone Pell-mell to hell in a handbasket. My soundings about the prospects for Tony to succeed George indicated it would qualify as the ultimate cardinal sin.

I enquired about the chances of the UK, his place of birth, declaring Tony to be a British citizen in return for us declaring Theresa May to be an Aussie. I reported to Malcolm that reactions to this idea were not encouraging as it was considered that Theresa’s chances of being accepted as an authentic Aussie were no better than those of a Greens Senator.

I gained expert opinions on whether Tony was suffering from post traumatic sex disorder. There was a consensus among specialists however that it’s unlikely he’s still capable of traumatic sex.

 

After a programme of exhaustive consultation and research, I was finally able to advise Malcolm that the trouble with Tony is he’s a politician with political disabilities.

 

After a programme of exhaustive consultation and research, I was finally able to advise Malcolm that the trouble with Tony is he’s a politician with political disabilities.

It has of course always been assumed in the past that politicians with political disabilities were merely plonkers. Following recent breakthrough research, however, the condition has recently been diagnosed rather as a serious psychological disorder.

There is as yet no known cure for politicians with political disabilities and Malcolm was disturbed to learn they are not covered by the NDIS. I further advised him that Christopher Pyne, Bill Shorten, Barnaby Joyce, the Greens, Tanya Plibersek and Pauline Hanson had all been identified as showing alarming symptoms of this insidious affliction and it might be as well if he went for a check-up himself. Unless a cure is identified soon there’s a danger they could all end up like Mark Latham.

Happily, I was able to reassure Malcolm that action can be taken to at least mitigate the problem.

Kevin’s rampant political disabilities were addressed by finding him a position in the international never-never where he rarely surfaces and he’s not in a position to wreak any serious political havoc. This treatment has also worked satisfactorily for Gareth Evans.

My recommendation to Malcolm was that he should appoint Tony Minister for Political Disabilities because this would immediately attract all members of the electorate who also suffer from political disabilities to vote for the Coalition. Further, he could be given responsibility for launching Political Disabilities Awareness Day and bringing hope and support to politicians all over the world who have no idea they are suffering from this dangerous psychological disorder.

It could be a revelation for Trump.

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