Fake News

Exclusive: Boris Johnson to pitch government to Simon Cowell

Politics is becoming a joke and Boris Johnson knows this better than most, so he’s shuffling the entirety of the UK government to reality TV. It worked for the Americans.



Frank Rarely, our distinguished Fake News correspondent in Canberra, secured an exclusive interview with Boris Johnson during his visit last week. This is an exclusive account of their good-humoured discussion.

“Now Boris” began Frank “what is the purpose of your visit to Australia?”

“I’m here to spread the message” explained Boris “that politics has become no laughing matter which is serious because it should be”

“Does this mean you’re just supporting Brexit for the fun of it?” asked Frank

“Of course” replied Boris “where on earth is the fun in belonging to a club like the EU which was a French idea that’s been hijacked by the Germans and run by a Brussels bureaucracy. What’s more, you’re charged an astronomical membership fee that entitles you to receive hordes of refugees and the responsibility of bailing out Greece twice a year. It would be much more fun joining the Trump Fan Club in Pyongyang”

“Is Theresa May getting a lot of laughs?” asked Frank

“Yes” affirmed Boris “but sadly they’re only coming from the Labour Party and the Ulster Unionists. The reaction to her in the Conservative Party is rather more grief and utter despair although if she carries on like this I could be laughing all the way to No. 10 Downing Street”

“Do people think Jeremy Corbyn is funny?” asked Frank

“Only in Russia” asserted Boris “because they think it’s hilarious that a Trotskyist can do such a convincing impersonation of a Labour politician”

“What’s your opinion of Trump?” enquired Frank expectantly

“Pure vaudeville” asserted Boris “I find it incredible that people can take his comedy routine about building a fifteen hundred kilometre wall so seriously. And you’ve got to admire someone who appoints a Press Secretary as funny as Sean Spicer”

“How do you rate Malcolm Turnbull’s comic value?” asked Frank

“I thought his impersonation of Trump was really funny” opined Boris “but I’ve got no idea who he’s trying to impersonate as prime minister”

“What are your main aims as the British Foreign Minister?” asked Frank

“It’s my policy will be to build relationships with all the countries with whom we can have fun” replied Boris “For example I’ve just arranged a new cultural exchange programme between Britain and Japan called Karaoke Hokey-Cokey, the Sheep Olympics in New Zealand sponsored by Woolies and a new English low-alcohol beer launch in Australia that will leave you stone warm sober”

“What would you call the guy running Malcolm’s new super ministry if he looks like Miss Piggy?” asked Frank

“Dutton dressed as ham” replied Boris

“Is it your ambition” asked Frank “to lead the world’s funniest-ever government?”

“Absolutely” replied Boris “I would encourage all my colleagues to appear on Britain’s Got Talent but I am under no illusion about the extreme challenge I’d face in creating an administration even half as hilarious as the last Labor Government in NSW”

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