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While you were asleep: Donald threatens North Korea, CBA announces awkies profits, Mr Godzilla dies young

Hooray for armageddon. The US and North Korea step closer to the bedroom, the CBA awkwardly announced their profits and the only man who could save us, dies. Sad!


Donald and Kim make nuclear threats, rest of world nervously rolls eyes.

A better union there could not be, a grinding sweaty mess of elbows and hyperbole that produces an orgasm for both, as both parties gaze at each other in the silent agreeance that that shit was goooood. Tritely put, Donald Trump shook his fist at North Korea through the frosted window of Fox News.


Donald, just shut the fuck up, I mean really. A dear friend of mine (a fellow processor) asked me this morning about the odds of nuclear war with North Korea in this calendar year. I mean, yes, it’d bring a welcome end to the society that elevates dead gorillas, follows a family of Armenians that clone themselves and celebrates #InternationalCatDay with religious fervour (Happy, International Cat Day, btw) but allow me to heavily salt those jangles nerves. It’s not going to happen. I realise that Donald has a knack of plunging to depths not seen before, just to do it, and he’s used stupidly named ordinance to boost his ratings, but as for either country hitting the red button to see what happens, no.


And yes, when the missiles shadow our backyards, and death is certain, feel free to @ me. But if you’re worried, remember that there’s a very good reason why the last nuclear bomb dropped in anger was in 1945. No-one wants that much death, especially if there’s no real reason to do it.

So chill.



CBA reports staggering profits in the face of money laundering allegations. Whoopsie doodle.

In eyebrow skewing news, the Commonwealth Bank has reported a colossal annual profit of $9.9 billion (or 7.6%) in the face of suspicion of wrongdoing. With anti-money laundering agency AUSTRAC launching its court action just last week, the timing is suspiciously poor. Even if it’s unrelated, which it probably is, dick move, CBA. In retrospect, you should have followed the teachings of cinematic gangster Jimmy Conway, and not splurge so openly so soon after a heist.

Someone’s going to end up in a meat truck.


The first man to trample Tokyo passes at 88, Tokyo honours him.

Gojira! We must…honour your passing.

The granddaddy of atomic war metaphors, Godzilla, has returned to the sea for the final time. Rather, the man who played him, Haruo Nakajima. Thanks for breaking the suspension of disbelief, Nakajima-san. The man who squashed Tokyo in dinosaur pantaloons from 1954-1972 has passed at 88. Which is quite young for a prehistoric beast. Nevertheless he has been honoured in his country as a true icon, which is strange, seeing as he spent his career trying to destroying it.



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