Once again the leadership question has been raised, but is Bill equal to the task? According to a document we found, survey says no.
Fake News has invoked freedom of information provisions to gain access to the transcript of Bill Shorten’s recent consultation with leading political psychologist Madessa Hatter. We have decided to publish it strictly in the national interest.
Madessa: Tell me Bill…when did you first suspect you were suffering from chronic inequality syndrome?
Shorten: Immediately following a politics of envy lecture I attended run by the ACTU.
Madessa: How do you feel you measure up against Malcolm
Shorten: It pisses me off no end…that he’s so much richer than I am, he lives in a harbourside mansion and despite the fact he’s an absolute pig’s arse as a politician he’s above me in the preferred prime minister polling.
Madessa: Have you had any previous treatment for chronic inequality syndrome?
Shorten: Yes…I married the Governor General’s daughter. It was kept very low key however because my mother-in-law was having kittens at the prospect of the Queen finding out I was a republican. You know I worry sometimes that my chronic inequality syndrome could be indicative of the fact that I’m actually inadequate.
Madessa: Yes that’s certainly a possible theory…do you think the syndrome was an influence on your decisions to stab Kevin and Julia?
Shorten: Probably…I was overcome with jealousy when I discovered that Kevin’s wife was also much richer than me, and I was apoplectic with envy at the thought of the First Bloke hobnobbing with the Queen and the Empress of Japan when the only prospect of a regal connection in my life was an appearance before Abbott’s Royal Commission.
Madessa: Is there anyone in Canberra with whom you feel equal?
Shorten: Possibly Sam Dastyari.
Madessa: I’m not surprised…I’ve been treating him for months. Would you like a coffee?
Shorten: Yes please…milk and two Equals.
Madessa: I believe it would be really therapeutic for you to devise new policies for wealth redistribution.
Shorten: I’m already planning a Royal Commission to investigate why James Packer, Twiggy Forrest, Gina Rinehart and Malcolm Turnbull are all so much richer than I am, and how much they would have to give me.
Madessa: How do you propose to bestow equality on the unemployed and unemployable?
Shorten: I am creating a scheme that will oblige top executives to job-share with them. This is arguably my most brilliant policy ever because it encompasses not only job-sharing but also higher employment and equality through salary-sharing.
Madessa: In my considered professional opinion Bill, you’ve got no chance of ever becoming the equal of Keating as Prime Minister or anywhere near Abbott as Opposition Leader. The only possible cure for your chronic inequality syndrome is to become the first President of the Australian Republic, as there would be no predecessor or peer therefore you’d be beyond comparison. What’s the likelihood of you securing that gig?
Shorten: I’d be a chance…all things being equal.