Welcome back to our weekly sift through the rubbish dump of Internet detritus. This week, we investigate the claims that Barack Obama’s true legacy was leaving cockroaches in the White House.
The internet is bizarre, true jewel. Look how she sparkles. A gem which throws back no self-reflection of your face, but if you put your ear up next to it, you can hear the sound of your ignorance being validated. Completely priceless and without value at the same time, consider it something to be feared and best left buried in the ancient sands of California from whence it came, to allow future generations to make better sense of it. For those who don’t fear to tread, or have reconciled their lives with their god, please step into the echo chamber in an orderly fashion.
Curio #1 – Oz company makes jewellery from human embryos, out crazies Mel Gibson.
Mel Gibson, for all his extremely valuable work in the field of Hollywood crazy, wasteland resource gathering and whitewashing history’s pages will be forever remembered for his enduring legacy as an Australian, even though he’s from Noo Yawk. Mel alone (alongside the superbly expensive Circular Quay souvenir outlets) has kept alive the international assumption that we’re all tough, gritty, keen-to-shovel-carrion-off-the-road warriors in order to fashion jewellery from it, and flog it to punters.
That, and a company called Baby Bee Hummingbird, who proudly fashion curio from the unused matter from the human embryo, with the owner of the company, Amy McGlade stating:
“I don’t believe there is any other business in the world that creates jewelry from human embryos, and I firmly believe that we are pioneering the way in this sacred art, and opening the possibilities to families around the world…we do offer to craft our line of keepsake jewelry with the ashes from unused Embryos. It’s a very special & unique service which offers a lot of comfort to many families.”
Suffice to say that the many a boulder has been hurled into the pond of best intentions, the ripples soon turning more frequent, as the public continued to disturb the water, exacerbated by an extremely disturbing Photoshop hack job which incorrectly represented their stock.
Curio #2 – College professor allows students to pick grades in an effort to be down with the kidz.
This headline comes from the not-at-all-white-traditionalist-sounding conservative college publication Campus Reform (citation needed), who in a recent post, told of the University of Georgia professor who allowed his students to select his own grades as a ‘stress reduction method’. As it turns out it could be satire, or it might actually be true. I see two problems immediately, it’s nowhere near sharp or edgy enough to slice open the thumb you’re scrolling with, and it sounds like the lazy Hollywood trope to display that the cool teacher is cool. Like Donald Sutherland in Animal House. He smokes dope, he bangs Karen Allen, and he’s cool cool.
Now as far whether the professor did it or not, the evidential trail of breadcrumbs has been swept into a caesar salad of mystery, acting as the lonely croutons of objective truth, as the syllabus that contains the “stress reduction policy” was found on the educator’s personal page at UGA’s Terry School of Business for a class called Data Management. According to online course syllabi for two of Dr. Richard Watson’s fall business courses, he has introduced the policy because “emotional reactions to stressful situations can have profound consequences for all involved.” Campus Reform reports that the same policy was written on a syllabus for a second class, Energy Informatics, but was altered before it was archived. The syllabi for his classes can also be viewed and downloaded from the university’s business school page as well. These versions do not contain the “stress reduction policy.”
Combined with this is the extremely reliable personal account of Dr Watson’s ex-students, through the completely fair medium of anonymous critiquing on rating website RateMyProfessor where he was described as ‘challenging’, ‘difficult’ and extremely stringent on attendance, so being rad cool man with no rules here man, pass me the bongos instead might be a long shot.
Curio #3 – Obama’s enduring legacy was turning the White House into a roach motel.
We’ve all done it. With the end of our lease on the horizon, we look at the brutality of our laziness, knowing full well that it’s got out of hand, and perhaps the cockroaches you’ve shared a kitchen with might be keen to go on the lease with you at the new house. What is left, of course, is the mess the real estate has to clean up, but fuck ’em right? They never fixed the hot water, and the fans blew hot air, and they became extremely unreliable by the end, badmouthing us to the crowd.
I’d imagine Barack Obama faced the same thing, as according to the Freedom Daily, they’ve taken the greatest leap of logic of mankind, extending on Donald Trump’s assertion that the White House was a dump, filling in the reason why he believed that, was because Barack’s enduring legacy was a cockroach infestation. This is subtextual racism kids, remember what it looks like. In fact, the article was ignited by someone clapping eyes on a single cockroach, and like a germophobe mother-in-law, completely flew off the handle, believing the assumption that there would be a million more.
Considering the amount of exposed faecal matter left lying around by the current administration, I believe that perhaps we should all fear contracting super diphtheria, instead of counting a solitary cockroach a hundred times.