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While you were asleep: Kim and Donald make up, Kardashians buy decade, Tim brings back tool time

Hooray. We’re not all dead. Yet. Overnight we saw denial from a rocky union, the Kardashians swim in hyperbole, and Tim Allen missing the guidance of his next door neighbour.

 

 

Donald and Kim make up, leave issues unresolved.

Everyone’s favourite atomic hatefuck has cooled slightly this morning, as Donald and Kim have momentarily decided to stop hurling crockery at each other and say a nice thing about each other. I love you, Kimmeh. Naw. Simply put, Kim’s decision not to unload his nuclear emotional baggage on the completely superfluous borders of Guam probably saved the marriage, as such an act would have been found unacceptable by DonaldWhich is telling, as it seems the tin man had a heart all along. Race wars, nein, Atomic annihilation, ja.

 

 

Kardashians officially take ownership of the decade, writer googles cryogenic freezing.

Out of all the recent winters of discontent, this seems to be the chilliest. A two pairs of socks brand of ennui. Forget the rebirth of American white powerism, or that nuclear warheads are being freely displayed in lieu of different types of heads (Read: Trousers), or that Britain seems to hate itself so much, that it’s manifested in an emotional breakdown, replete with an impulsively shaved head, no. I can handle all that, but not this. Anything but the rats. Do it to Julia instead.

It seems we’re living through the decade of the Kardashian:

Note, that byline is not satire. Now, it’s been said previous, and by voices far louder than mine, but why do we idolise this gaggle of identical Armenian layabouts? They’ve marriage average basketballers (twice), created the world’s most vapid genetic superlab,  one has had a sex change and was cast out of Eden. Perhaps the original sin was their defence of OJ Simpson, that entirely innocent man who decided to lead the entirety of the LAPD around Los Angeles to prove his innocence. Maybe we were too focused on the journey of a white Bronco to articulate the true face of the beast.

via GIPHY

 

Tim the Tool Man makes a tool of himself, Internet politely helps him out.

I wish I knew how to correctly spell the Tim Allen grunt, as this would be the optimal time to make use of it. Binford’s greatest cro magnon man supercharged his rhetoric overnight with a rather divisive effort on Twitter, stating:

 

Eeeeeyyyiiiuuuhhh?

The Internet, playing Allen’s advocate (Read: Wilson) kindly* instructed the toolman on correct answer and see me after class, please.

 

 

 

The Top 5 Tweets from Overnight

 

 

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