Never to be a man to back down, the newly kiwi Barnaby has many a trick to stay relevant in Australian Politics. Joyce, az, bro!
Frank Rarely, our distinguished Fake News chief correspondent, gained an exclusive interview with Barnaby Joyce while he was still trying to work out which Labor snitch had caused him the glitch from over the ditch. Below is a transcript of their discussion.
“Tell me Barnaby” began Frank “what was your immediate reaction to the revelation that you are a Kiwi?”
“I carried out a rigorous check” replied Barnaby “to assess whether I was more qualified to be the Deputy Prime Minister of New Zealand”
“What was Malcolm’s reaction?” asked Frank.
“He just came over and rubbed noses” revealed Barnaby.
“Does this mean you’re an All Black?” enquired Frank anxiously.
“Well I’m still a half Aussie” confirmed Barnaby “and I taught Trevor Chappell to bowl underarm, so that means I’m only a Half Black.”
“Does the fact that your parliamentary party now comprises a Brit, an Italian and a Kiwi” asked Frank analytically “present any new political opportunities?”
“Oh certainly” declared Barnaby “because while on the one hand, it would disqualify us from joining One Nation. It also means we can relaunch the Nationals as the MultiNationals.”
On the one hand, it would disqualify us from joining One Nation. It also means we can relaunch the Nationals as the MultiNationals.
“What benefits could the MultiNationals bestow on Australia?” asked Frank sceptically.
“It would save the country billions if we moved the Treasury offshore to a tax haven like the Cayman Islands” asserted Barnaby “and we could save billions more by developing policies offshore and making Canberra redundant.”
“What do you think has caused the sudden outbreak of multinational fever in Canberra?” asked Frank.
“I think the Greens picked it up during contact with asylum seekers” opined Barnaby “and then it spread to other parties and caused poor old Pauline to have a blackout in the Senate.”
“Why hasn’t anyone in the Labor Party become infected?” queried Frank, probingly.
“They’ve got no chance” explained Barnaby “because after what they’ve done to Australia no other country is likely to give them a visa let alone a passport.”
“Haven’t the Labor Party got a point” persisted Frank “when they claim that the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia shouldn’t be a Kiwi?”
“Absolutely not” declared Barnaby “that’s the sort of abject left wing racism that would even shock Gillian Triggs.”
“Do you expect Labor and the Greens” asked Frank mischievously “to support your bid to stay in Parliament?”
“Only if I can prove that I’m a genuine Kiwi refugee” replied Barnaby realistically.
“How do you expect to win your High Court bid to stay in parliament?” enquired Frank with a certain insouciance.
“By arguing that if they treat me like a Kiwi” declared Barnaby “the NZ Government is likely to claim my birthplace Tamworth as one of their sacred sites.”
“How do you decide which team to support in a Bledisloe Cup match?” asked Frank patriotically.
“I study the stutustucs” replied Barnaby.