Fake News

Malcolm in the middle (of surpassing Tony)

As far as this political analyst sees it, the challenge for Malcolm is not keeping his job, but rather making sure he doesn’t eclipse Tony Abbott’s mark of Newspoll non-excellence. 

 

 

Cec Poole, adjunct Professor of Political Sciences at Rooty Hill University, analyses the consequences of Malcolm leading the Coalition to thirty successive Newspoll losses and assesses the chances of him avoiding his date with destiny by scoring the odd win.

 

 

Most people are under the impression that Malcolm’s prime ministership has just under two years to run, but it at this point it seems more likely to end next year when he joins Tony in the Newspoll Hall of Blame. He was instrumental in making Tony the founding member, so it’s only right that the compliment is returned when Malcolm matches him with thirty successive losses.

 

 

This is expected to spark a major constitutional crisis.

Tony is poised to claim that but for Malcolm, he could have racked up sixty successive Newspoll losses with the promise of even more to come.

Bill will assert that Malcolm should hold himself to the same standard he held Tony and make way for a loss leader like himself to take over.

The question that many leading political academics like myself are addressing is can Malcolm do anything to prevent the inexorable Coalition drift towards the thirty loss mark which would make him as big a loser as Tony?

 

He should immediately bring on a gay marriage vote in Parliament paying no heed whatsoever to protests that expecting MPs to vote with their conscience is as unreasonable as expecting them to travel anywhere on their own dime.

 

In my considered opinion, he should take an immediate initiative by writing to the Queen thanking her for her past contribution to Australia and informing her of our intention to make alternative constitutional arrangements of a republican nature. He should also ask for a return of Philip’s knighthood and any spare set of keys she keeps for Yarralumla.

In addition, he should immediately bring on a gay marriage vote in Parliament paying no heed whatsoever to protests that expecting MPs to vote with their conscience is as unreasonable as expecting them to travel anywhere on their own dime.

If these measures don’t have the desired impact on Newspoll numbers, I shall recommend a desperate lurch towards populism.

Malcolm would have to take decisive measures to prevent the banks treating credit card holders like ATM machines.

 

 

He would have to send truckloads of low carbon coal to Adelaide, all in a humanitarian initiative to prevent South Australians suffering severe hypothermia during cloudy windless winter days.

He would have to legislate that convicted terrorists be sentenced for life to the soul-destroying fate of drifting aimlessly, vacuously, mind-numbingly and ceaselessly around the world with Clive Mensink without a nickel.

As a final measure of absolute desperation, he could scrap the NBN and start all over again with something that doesn’t have the handicap of being a Kevin idea.

And then, of course, he could accuse Newspoll of being a radical left wing organisation that only conducts surveys among members of GetUp, the CFMEU and ABC employees. He could then demand recounts for the past thirty polls.

Beyond that, Malcolm can only pray for a slice of good fortune like Bill turning out to be a pom, Sarah Hanson-Young being declared a citizen of Nauru and Tony being revealed as President of the local branch of the Trump Fan Club.

 

 

Fake News

TBS Fake News is our response to the impressive worldwide growth of this phenomenon. Unlike fake news in other publications, however, our readers can be fully confident that TBS leaves nothing to chance in ensuring that our version is a one hundred percent genuine Fake.

Related posts

Top