TBS Newsbot

#Auspol winners and losers: Who’s train of thought jumped off the track?

An edited Wiki page, an extremely adult massage and a train of thought momentarily leaving the station all feature in this week’s Mexican hat dance that is Australian politics.



Every Friday, your trusty commentators at The Big Smoke review the most lauded plays in the game of #AusPol from the week previous. Passionate? Unquestionably. Conniving? Undoubtedly. But it’s not about that. Headlines need to be made and an audience needs to be entertained. So, who won?



Kiama MP Gareth Ward, for showing that naivete still lives.

We’re so conditioned to the barbed wire reality of modern day politics, when something inherently human blooms we stand and watch silently, mouth agape at the abject beauty of it. Like that scene in Shawshank. So it goes with Gareth’s trip to the Big Apple where he decided to order a massage like an adult, and ended up with an adult massage.


Innocence is beautiful.



Andrew Hastie, for forever turning me off marriage.

Alongside the great romantic poets of Shelley, Byron and Julia Stiles from 10 Things I Hate About You, add Andrew Hastie. Carve it long, etch it in long looping letters, as the detritus that seeps from the bard’s kilometrico accurately maps the landscape of love in its purest form.



Shall I compare thee to a mechanical process thy Googled beforehand?


Also on The Big Smoke



Whoever hacked Peter Dutton’s wiki page, for not acting their age.

The verbal immolation of someone’s Wiki page is an act validated by the passing of time. After all, I went to high school with someone who defeated Michael Jordan one-on-one, which was entirely true. A trustworthy internet encyclopedia says so. This week, everyone’s favourite antagonist got the treatment, replete with a starched selfie. A starchfie, if you will.



Come on lads. He deserves better criticism than that. Also, if you want to successfully insult someone with a dead medium, there’s plenty of antique dank memes to choose from.



Malcolm Turnbull, for not presenting a united front.

As anyone who has had to discipline children will espouse, it’s best to maintain the same scowl as your admonishing partner, otherwise, they see right through your facade, and the upper hand is lost. The PM decided to surreptitiously flip the bird to the conservative right that makes him dance, by telling The Project that they should, as should everyone else, vote ‘Yes’ in the upcoming postal Plebiscite.


Would have made for an awkward stroll through the underground carpark the next morning.


You’re a wizard Malcolm, use the force.


Honourable mentions

The Golden Emerson – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh – goes to:

The Rev. Fred Nile, for roping in the wrong celeb to plug his cause.

Now, I’m not a smart man, but I know what a social media plan is. This week, the man who is named after the river he logically swims in, Fred ‘D.’ Nile decided to take to the seventh circle of hell that is Facebook to entertain the idea of increasing membership to his cause.

Turns out that his saviour to goose the fence sitting heretic populace, is this bloke:


Yo boi might be slacking off a smidge in that regard, Fred.


The Secret Verbs and Spicers for the sauciest, most regret-inducing piece of fried hyperbole each week goes to:

The Trump Administration, for finding Donald’s most empathetic reaction shot to Hurricane Harvey.



And finally, I’d like to leave you with a thought this week, which also doubles as a warning to those darn teenagers who insist on hanging out at the shopping centres, those who insist on not buying anything. Those bloody loiterers. You know what’ll sort you lot out? Military service. Not joining the Army, no, the military will service their means to speed your exit from the Woolies carpark.


Lord. Imagine if Lambie’s supporters got their way. Think of the poor proud infantryman. Served the Commonwealth in Afghanistan, Yemen, and Stocklands Rooty Hill. Lest we forget…these voters have the same say as us.