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While you were asleep: Socceroos fail to qualify, Madonna’s package problem, Senate flunks citizenship test

The harsh light of morning makes me sad. Overnight we saw the Socceroos fail to qualify, a celebrity failing life admin and rather flawed argument over a flawed test.

 

Socceroos miss automatic qualification, will now face Syria.

It was a painful evening for football fans around the land, as the three headed hellhound of fluke, luck and appalling play saw the Socceroos miss automatic qualification to the World Cup for the first time since we were shuffled into the asian qualification zone.

If you happened to miss last night’s game against Thailand, here’s a quick refresher:

 

via GIPHY

We somehow managed to almost lose, in an exhibition which was dangerously close to watching one of those pimple-popping videos on a cinema screen. With the footballing world ending not with a bang, but with a whimper, weary eyes turned to the other match, hoping that Japan would hold the Saudis, seeing as through.

 

 

As it turns out, not so much. 1-0 Saudi Arabia. As for what’s next, we begin the Everestian climb of the playoffs. Standing in our way is Syria, who are rubbish, but have the winds of valuable sporting narrative at their back, followed by whoever loses between the US and Honduras. Which, we should all hope that it certainly is not the United States.

Although, there’s another point, as our esteemed Editor pointed out, who broke his retweet record, and subsequently broke his record for sustained hubristic waffling:

 

 

Material Girl has problem claiming possession of a package, dips into existential crisis.

Madonna, the titan of 1980’s materialism and author of awful movies with awful sexual overtones has seared back into the collective eye this morning, as we say Yass Queen or some such tosh, as she’s been taken down many pegs, and has to deal with a problem that we nobodies would. It seems that Madge is having a problem convincing FedEx that she exists.

 

 

Existential quandary aside, who spends all week arguing over a package? What’s in the box? Gwyneth’s head? She’s clearly not got much on, bar introducing us to the greatest celebrity pickle this side of Charlie Chaplin losing a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest.

 

Citizenship test language deemed too complex, writer pushes for every citizen to take it.

For whatever reason, the citizenship test in its current form, has been deemed too easy. Not having sat it, I’m unsure what exactly it entails. But if the test involves the colloquial knowledge of Don Bradman’s batting average, or what the Platypus actually is, I’m fairly certain that a vast majority would fail it. I know I would.

That being said, the Coalition’s plan to make the test harder has been shut down by a Senate committee, labelling the revamped version as ‘too tough’, which, relying on the subtext would mean that they too flunked the test. To be fair, I have no idea what Burke, Wills and their camels did, beyond the loose reference in that 80’s pop song I like.

 

 

The criticism regarding the response swirls around the fact that “University-level English to become a citizen is clearly elitist and risks creating an entire class of people who may live in Australia their whole working lives but not be permitted citizenship,” which is entirely fair, I know people were born here who barely have a the most tenuous hold on the national dialect.

Citizenship tests for all I say. But only if there’s a section that instructs you to unnecessarily add vowels to something, to make a nickname longer than the original label. Like Kebabo.

 

The Top 5 Tweets from Overnight

 

 

 

 

 

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