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While you were asleep: Richard hides from Irma, Fictional man is fictional, and the Tiger shot by US police

Historic stupidity descended with the historic power of Hurricane Irma, as a billionaire hid out in a wine cellar, a frankly ludicrous tale was debunked and a pet Tiger was shot by American police.

 

Hurricane Irma hits Barbados, Richard Branson hides out in stocked wine cellar with millennials.

‘Tis the season…for natural catastrophe, as another member of the Hurricane family breaks into our house to grind its feet on our couch. They call this one Irma, and those who lie in her path ratchet up their whirling concern to a category five level of angst. Hyperbolically labeled as ‘The Greatest Storm the Atlantic has seen”, the maelstrom of unfortunate clusterboinkery has touched the borders of Barbados overnight.

 

 

Meanwhile, an impossibly rich gentleman has decided to relocate to his wine cellar in order to wait it out. It must be said, help must speed to those afflicted nations who don’t have the luxury of a trillion dollar government.

 

 

 

Hot Brazilian surfer-cancer suvivor-war correspondent debunked as myth. Wow, you sure?

It’s a tale as old as time. A Brazilian surfer trades in Ipanema for Damascus, deciding to document the civil war after beating a terminal illness. Plus he’s really really good looking. What a story. Unfortunately, like all fiction that came before it, this one is entirely fake. My mighty heart is breaking.

 

 

Disappointingly, the man known as ‘Eduardo Martins’ stole the face of an English surfer (Which also sounds fake) and may be hiding out somewhere in this wide land. Expand your Tinder search parameters. That being said, there is a galling aspect, as the images that Martins sold actually belonged to a legitimate war photographer, who silently cried foul back:

 

 

I, for one, am looking forward to the Leo starring biopic featuring Christopher Walken as the Brazillian accented patriarchal figure.

OH-bri-GAHdo!

 

 

Tiger escapes yard, later shot by Atlanta police. 

My heart goes out to the pet owner who this morning discovered their wubbily snuggly fur bubbily escaped the yard and was later shot by police.

 

 

As we all remember from our schooling, the Asiatic Tiger hails from the southern United States, with the redneck population of the state of Atlanta being notable for its numerous conservationist efforts to rebuild the waning population. Or, and citation certainly needed here, it was some idiot looking to replace his infant-sized member with a roaring carnivorous substitution to draw attention away from it. Hello to you, Mr Tyson. Sadly, the world has one less Tiger as a result of moron’s stupidity. I hope in the next life the Tigers wear the badges, and revenge will be a dish, marvelously served anthropomorphical.

 

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