Two Truths and a Lie

Fake News or real? Celine hates America, Dishwasher protects valuables in Hurricane, Ferrero Rocher’s new flavour

Welcome to the Jurassic Park of spurious internet garbage. It’s true what they say you know, Fake News does move in herds.

 

Internet Curio #1 – Canadian woman refuses to look at American flag.

Exclusive. Celine Dion said what everyone around the world has been thinking. The not at all biased/fake sounding USADailyNewsPosts.com broke the news, stating that the woman who sunk the Titanic with her timbre consigned the US of A to the same fate, warbling: “I can’t even look at an American flag any more, I hate this country.”

Spoiler alert, she didn’t say it. Which is unfortunate, as Titanic was two decades ago, and popular angst could have shot her back to popular relevance by getting onboard the popular anthem-dissing celebrity fad, joining the NFL’s Colin Kaepernick, and…Celine Dion.

Which is meh, however the site that birthed this crackpot theory launched a Blitzkrieg of waffle, rolling over the verdant fields of Internet truth with celebrity faced lies.

 

So, looking through the looking glass, the entirety of the madman plot can be summarised thusly:

  1. Celine Dion insults the American flag.
  2. Cher calls her unpatriotic.
  3. This leads to Dion burning the American flag on stage.
  4. At this point the web site takes a poll to see if readers would support President Trump if he decided to deport Dion.
  5. This causes Katy Perry to voice her support of Dion, while the Canadian singer expresses remorse.
  6. It doesn’t last long, however, as Dion goes onto the Ellen Degeneres show to burn another flag. Cyndi Lauper joins team flag burner and Reba McEntire joins the anti-Dions.
  7. The Canadian singer is again threatened with deportation, but instead of apologizing, Dion calls Donald Trump sexist.
  8. The last entry (at the time of this writing) showcases a fake quote from Cher in which she tells Dion to go back to Canada. Coincidentally, it is the same quote that Reba McEntire allegedly said a few articles prior.

So, just to recap, none of any of this actually happened. That being said, if the writer in question turned their vast talents to fiction, I’d watch, read or play whatever form this narrative took.

 

Internet Curio #2 – Internet claims that valuables should be placed in dishwasher in case of emergency, writer wonders if this qualifies as money laundering.

Apologies for that joke. Nah, I’m not sorry. Unearthing itself on Facebook during the vissicitudes of Hurricane Whoever was something labelled as a ‘Hurricane Hack’, which espoused the value of placing your valuables in your dishwasher for safekeeping.

Sounds legit. Well, according to repair-shop owner Ralph Feldkamp, who I can assume would be an extremely short gentleman who combines a cresting frown with three inches of posterior peeking from the top of his jeans, informed the Tampa Bay Times that the post was hogwash, stating: “If your home is flooded, so will your dishwasher” before adding unnecessarily that “…he sees a lot of flooded dishwashers in Shore Acres.”

One wonders how many conversations he’s flooded with the rising tide of soapy anecdote. So, consider it busted, and consider yourself cursed if “Mr Feldkamp” is the placemat next to yours at a wedding reception.

 

Internet Curio #3 – Ferrerro Rocher introduce new maggot flavour, evidence sadly lost to history.

Consider it the Atlantis of risky chocolate flavours, forever lost to the shelves of history, as we, the victims of timing and circumstance wonder ‘what if’. According to Facebook (Hullo, again Mark) a video (which I suspect might have been market research) racked up four million views which showed a Ferrero Rocher with a brand new wiggling chewable maggoty flavour.

The company, disputed the brave new experience, stating:

We appreciate you bringing this to our attention as we certainly don’t want our fans to experience this or any type of problem with our products. The video you shared reflects a problem that can sometimes occur with food products, called Infestation. Infestation is a problem which can occur during the storage and sometimes the distribution of food products when the products are not stored in ideal conditions. Ferrero has comprehensive pest management programs in place at each of its manufacturing facilities worldwide. In addition, at several stages during the manufacturing processes, insects would not be able to survive given the high temperatures and machinery used. Although we print proper storage instructions on all of our outer cartons and each consumer package, we have no control over the storage conditions and stock rotation policies of our distributors and retailers. Infestation can occur if the product is stored with or near infested food products or pet products. Pests, such as the ones in the video, penetrate nearly any type of confectionery packaging on the market today, except glass or metal.

Man. Viral marketing is complex. However, the video seems to be now no longer available, so the maggoty goodness will forever never exist on our drunken tastebuds, when we become bold enough to try it.

Sunrise, sunset.

 

 

 

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