Once more into the breeches of Internet filth, my fake friends. This week we speculate on milky chocolate leaving the milky way, and the dangers of organic moustache growing.
Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could Shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.
Internet Curio #1 – Stan Lee fires one blonde for disparahing another.
Hollywood has a rich history of old men firing young women for various rumoured (read: stupid) reasons. Who could forget Alfred Hitchcock taking it out on a series of Grace Kelly clones he cultivated for not being Grace Kelly, or Megan Fox calling Michael Bay ‘Hitler’ (to be fair he’d be closer to Joseph Goebbels), or Judy Garland for having a few too many over lunch.
Crawling out of the primordial ooze spewing forth from lying minds is the news that the grand old man of comic books and self-referential walk-on cameos, Stan Lee has ditched ubermensch Jennifer Lawrence for calling a spade a spade. Or in this case, calling a Hurricane clickbait.
According to nefarious sources, the X-Men actress lost her job on the back of some anti-Trump rhetoric on British television. The post was carved in the syntax below, which makes you wonder how anyone in their (not so) right minds believes said rubbish:
After stupid liberal Jennifer Lawrence made a fool of herself by blaming Hurricane Irma on junk science and Trump supporters, she found out just how “influential” she actually is. She came home from Paris this morning to the news from Universal Worldwide that she will NOT be returning as the beautiful blue “Mystique” in the next chapter of X-Men movies.
Lawrence, a notorious crybaby, is said to have broken down when she heard that the decision came from Stan Lee himself, the mastermind behind the Marvel Universe. Lee told TMZ:
“That young lady needs to learn some respect. Even if you don’t agree with Trump, you still have to respect him and treat him like he’s the President. He called and asked me to fire her, so I fired her. Done.”
Oh, Breakfast in Paris. One day.
Internet Curio #2 – Stars and stripes chocolate set to return to home planet.
According to the Internet, Brodo Asogi’s (E.T.’s home planet) favourite intergalaxial confectionery Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups has phoned home, and is set to depart our watery planet, never to return. The news of which left chocolate fans and diabetics the world over, dead on a lounge room floor in shock. Elllliiooottttt. Fortunately, the sound of the government agents kicking the door in was misheard, as it turns out that the Internet decided to lie in our shocked, stupid chubby faces.
The lie was broken on ‘prank’ website BreakingNews365.net, because it’s apparently hilarious to forcibly relocate our hearts to the floor, before stamping on it. Ha ha. Although, it could be worse. If CC’s suddenly announced that they’d be returning to the pockets of Quetzalcoatl, I’d gleefully take up arms and be martyred for the cause. Take away my ability to own a house if you must, but leave my comfort food be.
That being said, Reese’s feetsies are set to remain on terra firma. But if they were to leave, remember, they’ll always be right here. *points to love handles*
Internet Curio #3 – Caterpillar that poisons your ambition discovered in Canada.
Caterpillars are dangerous. Just look at Tom Selleck. That thing nestled on his top lip in 1980, and he’s been slowly poisoned by it ever since, forever sentenced to drive around a fictional Honolulu in a sports car that he doesn’t own next to a man who isn’t actually British.
Beware the caterpillar.
As it turns out, the Internet has unearthed something actually true. Excuse me while I pick up the pieces of my broken cynicism off the floor. If the White Hickory Tussock Moth Caterpillar happens to park itself on your top lip, then according to an absolute canine’s brunch of Facebook post, you should indeed freak all the way out:
Little white and black caterpillars all over are POISONOUS. they are apparently new to the area….. doctors say there has been numerous kids having reactions to them. the rash spreads fast. the caterpillars have long white hairs that embed in skin and send poison through out the body. DO NOT TOUCH and DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS TOUCH!!! they look cute and fuzzy and THEY ARE NOT! Please repost to everyone you know with little kids!!
I can just assume that the liberal use of ellipses and capitalisation is a condition brought on from the caterpillar’s poison. For those curious to what it looks like, in case you happen across it in the wild, here it is below:
As the above post hinted at it, it’s best you don’t touch it, for the White Hickory Tussock Moth Caterpillar will strike, scaring the living daylights out of you, with its poison going straight to your heart. A licence to kill, if you will.