Fake News

Punch drunk love: Tony Abbott pushing for gay marriage councillor gig post heatbutt

Frank Rarely, our renowned Fake News correspondent travelled to Tasmania to secure this exclusive heads up with Tony Abbott.




“Hi, Tony” began Frank “what were you doing down here in Tasmania?”

“I’d arranged to have a head to head about gay marriage.”

“How come you copped a Liverpool Kiss?” asked Frank.

“Because being the sort of guy that I am…a French Kiss was out of the question.”

“I gather the guy claimed he did it because he doesn’t like you” observed Frank.

“I wasn’t particularly taken with him either” revealed Tony “but he was wearing a ‘YES’ badge.”

“Perhaps he’s employed by Optus” suggested Frank.

“Well if that’s the case” reasoned Tony “I’d expect him to make a better connection.”


I’ll look to be a sort of gay marriage guidance counsellor…but instead of saving marriages, I’ll be saving people from marriages.


“Why exactly are you against gay marriage?” asked Frank.

“I’m not. Margie and I enjoy a marriage that’s very happy and gay. I’m rather focused on putting strict limits on the sort of people that qualify to take part.”

“But don’t you think that gay couples should be treated the same as everyone else?”

“Up to a point. For example, I’m one hundred percent in favour of gay divorce.”

“What will be your role during the remainder of the gay marriage debate?” asked Frank.

“As a sort of gay marriage guidance counsellor…but instead of saving marriages, I’ll be saving people from marriages”

“But aren’t you worried about the future of the institution of marriage,” asked Frank “because heterosexual couples are either not getting married or getting divorced at an alarming rate. Gay marriage could be the only chance of saving this very foundation of society from extinction.”

“That’s exactly what I’m worried about…the country could soon be in a position where gay marriage begins to dominate, the birth-rate begins to collapse and we’ll be begging the people smugglers to bring in as many asylum seekers as possible so that the population numbers don’t start going down the tubes.”

“Are you taking precautions against further possible attacks out on the campaign trail?” asked Frank.

“Well, I am thinking of getting ahead of myself” revealed Tony “in case the next attacker is more successful and I need a replacement.”





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