Two Lies and a Truth

Fake News or real? Apple slowing old iPhones, Facebook paying people to watch you, Why work coffee tastes the way it does

Welcome back once more to far flung reaches of the Fake News galaxy. Yes, everything looks strange to you, but it’s rude to stare. 



Internet Curio #1: Apple falls far from the development tree, vvveerrryyyy slllooowwlly

The crackpot conspiracy theory is an American Institution. This is especially the case if it involves another American institution. This one involves two: The treasury of the state of California, Apple, and noted Massachusettsian notables, Harvard University. Consider the following the Brangelina of illustrated bull twang: An aesthetically pleasing union of fake news that makes every other lie out there almost true by lame comparison. Phwoar. Allow me to slightly loosen my shirt.

Earlier this month, a blog post strongly implied (hello, credibility) that Harvard completed a study that suggested the nefarious characters of the House of Jobs were engineering older models to run slower around the time they release new models, to wit:

If you were Apple, what tricks would you utilize to increase the sales of your latest product?

If you know corporations, you’d know they use any possible trick they can as a generality to increase their profit: think of how huge a factor it would make in the sale of new iPhones if the old ones became slower.

People have made the anecdotal observation that their Apple products become much slower right before the release of a new model.

Now, a Harvard University study has done what any person with Google Trends could do, and pointed out that Google searches for “iPhone slow” spiked multiple times, just before the release of a new iPhone each time.

Except, nah. The study that the post referenced was published by a British tabloid publication. Now in the interest of fairness/avoiding painting that kettle a pot shade of black, I won’t reveal which one. But it sounds like The Raily Tail.



Internet Curio #2: Facebook inadvertently reveals secret list of people watching your profile.

Allow me to start this sentence with a rhetorical brainteaser. Are fellow Facebook users secretly viewing your profile?


No, because no-one cares who you are, or how dope the opiate of your memes might be. Sorry. But you’re as memorable as I am. Which is not very much. Sorry. The only people who truly care about our social media identity, is us. And selfie-stalking is a boring night outside your own bedroom.

God, I’m so lonely.

However, according to an A4 squared piece of paranoia thumbtacked onto the wall of someone you’ve never met, it seems that the most selfish of your paranoias might indeed be true.


Nostra-damn-us. As the Facebooker somewhat known as ‘Prince’ illustrates, typing ‘Facebook Security’ into your block-list reveals the unwashed unknown masses you silently gape at your pictures for some of that beaucoup Internet money.

However, nah. Following the above instructions does nothing to uncover or block the (non-existent) Facebook security personnel who are supposedly monitoring your online activities. Entering the term into the search box simply returns profiles of who have used those particular words somewhere on their profile in a place that’s visible to the individual, as in a public post. The list returned by this search neither includes people who are furtively following you, nor persons employed to spy on you by Facebook security.

Or so they claim. Who are they you ask? Well, who are you to ask that? Are you with them? Who are you?


Internet Curio #3: Those who fastidiously clean the office cups are actually dooming us all.

Finally, we have tangible evidence that hints at the worst of our fears realised. Shit work coffee might indeed be actually that. Charles Gerba, Professor of Environmental Microbiology, found around 90% of most office mugs carry dangerous germs, and 20% of those carry fecal bacteria.

The problem, like many things in the workplace, involves the kitchen. Dr Gerba says that by washing our mugs there, we’re using sponges that aren’t cleaned regularly (or properly) and are covered in a horrible assortment of germs.

Essentially, Gerba believes that we’re just pushing the germs around.

That being said, there’s clearly a case to follow the example of that rogue employee in the workplace, the one who cares not for hygiene, who never washes anything up, and their state is in a perpetual state of crisis.

It looks dirty, but it’s clean.

Take that, OCD Helen.