The Fake News Motoring Editor discusses the latest techniques for preventing outbreaks of road rage.
If some motoring moron were to commit a driving sin so dire that it not only threatened your life and limb, but also did soul-destroying damage to the car of your dreams, would you be able to control the rage rising within and resist the overwhelming urge to tie one on him?
It should be a sobering thought, however despite the intense release it can bring to the tortured soul, road rage simply doesn’t pay. Leaping from your car and bashing some absolute arsehole senseless doesn’t play well in the courtroom.
Motorists prone to react with incandescent rage when some dropkick crashes into them are advised keep a therapeutic blow-up dummy in the car. Upon impact, road rage psychologists advise that the dummy should be belted brutally and unrelentingly until either the rage subsides or exhaustion sets in.
Only then is it safe to leave your vehicle, summon your ultimate reserves of self-control, and venture a rage-free enquiry about the dropkick’s wellbeing.
Then it’s ok to follow this up with counselling about aspiring to higher motoring standards and recommending an appropriate driving school for a refresher course.
If the dropkick driver happens to be a woman it could possibly be deemed a more sensitive response to counsel her on the benefits of engaging a chauffeur.
Keep in mind however, calling the police before your road rage has fully subsided can be counter-productive.
If it turns out that the dropkick isn’t insured, doesn’t seem keen on a driver refresher course or a chauffeur and then claims it was all your fault you may well experience road rage beginning to take hold again. In that case, you should immediately return to your car to give the dummy another therapeutic belting. If this emergency treatment fails to work the road rage psychologists’ expert opinion is that an appearance on the six o’clock news and a day in court is probably going to be inevitable.
On the other hand if your driving style makes it more likely that you will be a target of road rage, you should consider carrying a card announcing you as a minister of the church.
This will lend authority to your post-crash sermonising about the power of forgiveness.
The Fake News Motoring Editor has been disqualified from driving until 2025.