A utopia inadvertently created, a complete lack of ambition and a Hogwarts drop out all feature in this week’s traipse down #Auspol’s halls.
Every Friday, your trusty commentators at The Big Smoke review the most lauded plays in the game of AusPol from the week previous. Passionate? Unquestionably. Conniving? Undoubtedly. But it’s not about that. Headlines need to be made and an audience needs to be entertained. So, are you not entertained?
Oh, I haven’t started yet.
My name is apologetic.
Fred Nile – for inadvertently coming up with a great idea.
To be honest, Fred Nile has a rap sheet longer than his biblical robes. Australia’s premier doomsayer has been talking gospel jive since the middle seventies, where his Genesis warned of the rapture enabled by a freeing of sexual restrictions, which unfortunately didn’t happen. Suffice to say, we’re once again knee deep the Nile’s murky river of stupidity. Or are we?
Literally no gay person wants “Same Love” to be our national anthem.
Maybe “Run Away With Me” pic.twitter.com/6aHxA90R0a
— Eli Matthewson (@EliMatthewson) October 4, 2017
That being said, much like the broken clock of yore, Fred has correctly told what time it is. Considering the amount of flak the gay community has copped as a result of this plebiscite/postal vote/opinion poll, I don’t rightly blame them if they choose to set up their own Jerusalem.
I, for one, would love to visit. If they’d have me.
Nameless journalist – for exhibiting grace under pressure.
We’ve all been there. Flung into the uncaring arms of a work event. One that you would never attend given the choice, but the faceless nabobs of middle-management believe it to be ‘a good opportunity for you’, so you agree, but you soon realise that it was merely a lie to make sure someone attends. So, the only way to proceed is apathy mixed with enthusiasm. But…only the latter is used sparingly. Like when someone is watching, or finishes talking.
When you get caught not concentrating and then have to over-compensate pic.twitter.com/McKsO8szpa
— Mark Smith (@marksmithcomedy) October 4, 2017
Also on The Big Smoke
- #AusPol winners and losers: One Nation under the thumb
- #AusPol winners and losers: Tony, don’t bring your gun to town
- #AusPol winners and losers: Whose hubris is in surplus?
- #AusPol winners and losers: Who cared not for Abbott’s tone?
Malcolm Turnbull – for having low expectations.
Look, I love low expectations. In fact, it was my mum to instructed me to embrace them. Expect less, achieve more she told me on the morning of her third wedding. So, I absolutely get it as a social construct. But, considering the importance of the marriage equality question, claiming that a 57% turnout is an acceptable pass mark is well, not majorly major.
Turnbull says 57.5% is a “great outcome” and shows Australians wanted to have their say despite Labor “playing politics” with issue #auspol
— Lane Sainty (@lanesainty) October 3, 2017
Come on, man.
JK Rowling – for being unable to understand the magical world of irony.
Here’s an unpopular opinion. I don’t rate JK Rowling as a political commentator. I mean, if the world needs another a tween-teen-twentysomething magical romp where an orphan gives no fucks for the rules while dealing with childhood celebrity, she would be the only one we should call. But as for legitimate hot political takes, nah. Just because you possess 12.8 million death eaters on Twitter, that doesn’t make your views valid/you Trump’s Voldemort.
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) October 4, 2017
JK, we don’t need another author lost to the turgid swirling mass of Twitterised discourse.
We yearn for an escape from it. Pick up that quill, Rowling.
The Golden Emerson – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh – goes to:
Rex Tillerson – for taking it back.
Even if he didn’t say it, the rest of the world did.
BREAKING: State Department spokeswoman denies that Rex Tillerson called President Donald Trump a `moron’
— The Associated Press (@AP) October 4, 2017
Having to take back what we’re all saying/thinking/building journalism careers on is a bitter spill to have to regurgitate on the congress floor.
It’s fine, Rex.
We know the truth. Even if it’s not the truth.
REX: i have immense respect for the president, and…
*looks at trump, who glares back*
REX (sighing): I saw him dunk a basketball
— KRANG 👻 NELSON (@KrangTNelson) October 5, 2017
The Secret Verbs and Spicers for the sauciest, most regret-inducing piece of fried hyperbole each week goes to:
It couldn’t be anyone else. Donald Trump – for, pretty much everything this week.
Good lord. Choose your own misadventure.
Trick question. They’re all winners.
In a horrible, final scrape-of-humanity’s-barrel kind of way.
See you next week. Unless we’re all killed.