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Brexit insider: Time to take leave of our senses

With the news that the latest Brexit deal was rebuffed by France and Germany, UK Brexit insider Tori Banger believes that the only thing anyone will truly leave is their senses.



Almost since the beginning of time, France and Germany have dreamed about dominating the UK.

William did some successful conquering after Harold took one in the eye at Hastings, but ever since then, their pusillanimous plotting has gone down either the Channel or the tubes.

Eventually, the French developed a cunning new strategy called the Common Market. They changed the name to the European Union when they realised that the British would never be tempted by anything common emanating from the French that wasn’t alcoholic, edible or the Folies Bergére. The Germans however quickly sussed its potential to subsume the UK.

At first, the British sensed the danger and didn’t give a continental but later they were lured by the promise of abundant cheap French plonk and bargain German bangers, beer and BMWs.

Once the UK was hooked, France and Germany undertook all sorts of perfidious EU plotting to bring it to heel. Through their parliamentary front in Brussels the UK was ordered to change the specification of its own bangers, take in hordes of refugees and shell out quids to prevent Greece, Portugal and Spain from baling out and landing in the Third World.

Not surprisingly the UK eventually responded by telling them to go and get nicked. You can’t blame us really because France and Germany had even started talking about scrapping national parliaments and running the EU entirely from Brussels. If the UK ever decided to outsource the function of national government France and Germany would rank lower on the list of prospective suppliers than Zimbabwe.


A hard Brexit would ensue if we just told the EU to go and get stuffed and left. This would spark a precipitate withdrawal similar to Dunkirk but without the need for air cover.


So now the question is will Brexit be hard or soft and what the hell is the difference?

A hard Brexit would ensue if we just told the EU to go and get stuffed and left. This would spark a precipitate withdrawal similar to Dunkirk but without the need for air cover.

We would, of course, leave behind a network of clandestine agents to ensure that adequate supplies of cheap plonk kept flowing not to mention bangers, beer and BMWs.

It seems the only way of securing a soft Brexit is to reach an agreement with Turkey to transfer our EU membership over to them. It would simply be a matter of handing over all our EU refugees, unpaid bills from Brussels and bailout requests from Greece.

No-one seriously believes there’s any chance of completing Brexit negotiations by March 2018. It would be easier to negotiate a Texit with China on behalf of Tibet and an absolute doddle to negotiate a Thexit from No. 10 on behalf of Theresa.

The other option under serious consideration is an unlimited transition period in the hope that it will allow time for the EU to disintegrate thereby rendering Brexit negotiations redundant. Then once again the UK can become a place where you can opt to Remain without any political connotation and where with any luck Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson will both be in retirement.


Tori Banger retains considerable influence over Conservative Party affairs.

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