Fake News is a lot like a relation who fell down the stairs and has never been right since. You don’t believe them, but you don’t say anything, because they make Christmas lunch tolerable.
Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could Shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier.
Internet Curio #1: Dirty old man pays money to be buried next to dusty old woman
We can confirm this as absolutely true. Yes, Hugh Hefner paid money to be paid to be buried next to Marilyn Monroe. Let’s swiftly move on from the point which highlights the fact that he set aside part of his estate to pay one final act of questionable hedonism and face the actual fact, in all its mouth-breathing, saliva-leaking candour.
— someecards (@someecards) October 2, 2017
In 2017, the independent career woman, especially Hollywood, cannot avoid being harassed by sleazy men. Even in the afterlife. The departed man himself put it thusly: “I’m a believer in things symbolic. Spending eternity next to Marilyn is too sweet to pass up.”
If you think I’m dancing the two-step of current outrageous hyperbole, allow me to extend a middle finger to compliment my jig, as the history between the two is certainly dodgy as fuck. To wit:
Monroe was on the cover of the magazine’s first issue in December 1953 and was also the centerfold. The latter picture, however, was taken during a 1949 nude photoshoot. In the biography Marilyn: Her Life in Her Own Words, George Barris quotes her Monroe saying that she took photographer Tom Kelley up on his proposal to pay her $50 to shoot her in the nude “when [she] really had no work and no money”:
Out of desperation I called Tom Kelley and asked him, was he still willing to pay me fifty dollars for that calendar shoot posing in the nude? When he told me he would pay me that price, I said, “I need that fifty dollars. You must promise never to tell anyone about my posing for you in the nude. I want you to promise me that you will take the pictures so that I wouldn’t be recognizable in them.”
Probably best you ask her first, mate.
Internet Curio #2: Las Vegas at odds with Trump, rejects casino application on the basis of trust.
Apparently, Las Vegas is a town too classy for Donald Trump, clearly have no place for someone with dodgy morals. I’ll just pause my rant momentarily to place the names of outstanding citizens who are venerated in that town: Bugsy Siegel. Meyer Lansky. Fat Elvis. Heroes, all. A more appealing Atlantis for moral aptitude there could not be. Donald, they don’t want your kind ’round here.
Unfortunately, it’s not true. But, that being said, it’s a fairly decent precedent to deny him one if he decided to apply for one in the future. And doesn’t that make it true?
To prove that the Internet is forever, Snopes uncovered a New York Times article from 1980, which stated:
Last September Mr. Trump bought a 4.9 percent stake in the Holiday Corporation, which operates casinos in Atlantic City and Nevada. He sold the stake at a $35 million profit in November and bought into Bally.
Mr. Trump recently applied for a Nevada casino license, but Paul Bible, chairman of the Nevada Gaming Commission at the time, said that Nevada regulators would look askance at any ”greenmailer” who hurts casino companies operating in Nevada by acquiring large quantities of stock in order to sell the stake back to the company at a premium.
Mr. Trump’s sale of the Holiday shares was on the open market, after takeover rumors boosted the market price. In court papers filed for the Camden hearing, Mr. Trump’s lawyers denied that their client had invested in Bally for the purpose of selling to the company at a premium.
”Mr. Trump has never been, and is not presently, a greenmailer or corporate raider,” his counterclaim said.
Unfortunately for the rest of us, there’s a very real possibility that we’ll have to endure a Trump Casino, replete with a giant cowboy neon Donald beckoning all with a welcoming giant thumb on his no longer tiny hands, as the man himself has a gaming licence, and has had one since 2004. Which, I certainly hope it happens, as that thumb would be in stark contrast to his run in the big house. It’s a metaphor to smugly point at, and considering I have no vote, and no say, all we can do is dot points.
That being said, a workforce of hospitality staff carved in his own craven image would be something I’d break my travel ban to America to witness. Anything to see his long-suffering progeny Donald Junior suffer yet more public humiliation, which I’d imagine would look a lot like this:
Internet Curio #3: Man chugs mystery potion, blows mind before caving it in.
I don’t want to go as far as saying this man (if the story is true) actually deserved having his head caved in by imbibing energy drink, because no-one deserves such an Internet-famous fate, but I do sup on the bitter/sweet taurine of Schadenfreude ever so slightly, as the person in question is/was a father to be. And save for the brutality of teen pregnancy, there’s a societal cut off age for beverages that promises anabolic radicalness, but delivers handles of love. You drink the monster long enough, and the monster is you, sir.
In a long deleted Facebook post, this tragedy knocked on the door of a man named Austin, who suffered the further desolation of a tl;dr rant from the spouse, beset by grammatical errors and a waffling stream of angst that immediately makes you tune out.
Tl;dr – my husband’s head caved in from an energy drink.
Leaping on this red bull-shit was Fox News, who soon promoted the wife of Austin to head up their International Bureau. Citation needed.
As for the possibilities of it actually happening. Well, if there is one, would likely come from caffeine’s effect on blood pressure. Caffeine, by constricting blood vessels, increases a person’s blood pressure, which can ultimately increase the risk of haemorrhaging in the brain. A number of analyses have reached conflicting conclusions about the reality of this scenario, however.
A 2016 paper purports to present the first case report in medical literature suggesting a connection between energy drinks and brain haemorrhaging. That single report, concerning a 57-year-old who consumed an energy drink called Redline, does not provide much outside of speculation, however:
It is not immediately clear what component of the drink led to the hemorrhage in our patient. The high caffeine content is likely to have contributed, given its association with hemorrhagic strokes.
Caffeinated energy drinks have also been shown to have effects on platelet aggregation and endothelial function. […] The other components of this drink, such as yohimbine and 5-hydroxytryptophan, have also been associated with elevated blood pressure, and there may be interactions between the various ingredients that lead to new effects.
So, consider it a solid 7 on the Carly-Ray Jepson scale of probability.
I’m going to call it, a maybe.