Fake News From the desk of Ivanka

Ivanka: Dad’s touch of god equates to feeling himself

In another compelling communiqué from the White House, Ivanka reveals that her dad is closer to God than you might think.

 

It often amazes me that people are so slow to identify Dad as the Second Coming when he makes it abundantly obvious in all his speeches.

Perhaps it’s because he has such a different style from the First or maybe people just find it hard to comprehend that he could come Second at anything.

On the other hand, I understand that some might find it difficult to accept everything he says as gospel.

But Dad is different. The First Coming united the world through love, while he is doing it more through a Harvey Weinstein type of effect.

For example, his impact on the Republican Party will ultimately drive them into an unprecedented coalition with the Democrats to get rid of him.

The only thing that offers hope of a common purpose between Hillary, Kim Jong Un, President Xi, John McCain, the Pope, Iran and Angela Merkel is an overwhelming desire to see him get either impaired or impeached.

Dad is undoubtedly the key to resolving Brexit. Following his advice to Theresa May that she should tell the EU to go and get stuffed and build a wall right down the East Coast of the UK she will undoubtedly conclude that staying in the EU is her best option.

The White House has become a holy retreat for so many lost souls who can’t find employment anywhere else. Dad has converted them into useful citizens by making them members of his cabinet. Unfortunately they tend to become yet more cases of abuse in a religious institution and they don’t stay very long.


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In view of the fact that the awe and wonder caused by his election win is wearing a bit thin I’ve been urging Dad to produce another miracle by turning himself into a normal sort of President. However, he claims that such an extreme miracle is not only beyond the capability of the Second Coming but almost certainly the First one as well.

Dad is increasingly seen as the polarising figure with the power to bring an unprecedented level of unity to the world. I can see the day when all nations will come together to ratify a motion in the UN General Assembly calling for him to be sent back to whatever planet he came from.

So Dad’s great legacy as the Second Coming will be the unification not only of the US but the whole world through religiously abusing people. A compendium of his tweets will be a work of biblical proportions and become an eternal inspiration for us all.

And when it comes time for the Second Going the world will ensure it happens in a manner that precludes any possible chance of a Resurrection.

 

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