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Mal’s energy plan: Lights barely on, the same nobodies at home



Dear Mal. I’ve done what you’ve said. I’ve cut carbon out of my diet, but my footprint is the same size. Can you shine some more light on this energy plan of yours?



The PM
Parliament House

Dear Mal,

You will recall that in recent correspondence I referred to you as the biggest non-event in Canberra since the First Bloke. I now write in cautious appreciation of your efforts to keep the lights on.

You should be aware however that if you fail to prevent electricity bills going any higher, I shall have to give serious consideration either to engaging in white collar crime or obliging the wife to do a few shifts at the local massage parlour.

The needs of the Australian community are clear. We simply want a continuous supply of electricity at affordable prices. We don’t give a rat’s arse whether it comes from the sun, the moon, the mine, the Snowy or a collective of renewable windbags in the Senate.

It’s very difficult to understand why we are going through all these power struggles in Australia when Trump has taken French leave from the Paris Accord, China is opening more new coal-fired power stations than takeaways and no matter how much we reduce our emissions it will have about as much impact on cooling the world as the introduction of a new variety of Magnums.

Out electricity business is like a NZ election, only losers like the Greens seem to win out.

Even Blackout Bill seems to have woken up to the fact that Labor’s Light on the Hill can’t be sustained entirely by renewables. It would serve him right if he ended up leading a miner party.

The South Australian government’s policy on electricity supply is best described as assault and battery.

The last thing the Greens seem to want is a continuous supply of electricity at affordable prices. They stand up and cheer every time the prices go up or the grid is switched off because it means emissions go down. If Puerto Rico goes without electricity supplies for much longer it will be hailed by the Greens as the way to save the world.

Frankly Mal, I’m at a loss to know what more I can do to reduce my carbon footprint. I’ve stopped making carbon copies, I eat spaghetti rather than carbonara, I’ve thrown away my old Nat King Coal LPs, I’ve stopped consuming carbonated drinks because they give me too much renewable wind and there simply isn’t the same electricity between the wife and myself as there used to be.

I’ve come up with a new definition of madness. It’s continuing to elect the same old politicians and expecting them to do something different about climate change.

Remember Mal it’s your finger that’s on the switch. If the light fails to come on or the cost causes a new career direction for the wife I could become mad enough to turn to Blackout Bill.

Yours Illuminatingly,


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