Why do you hate everyone, Internet? Why spread lies? Look what you’ve done to young Tiger. What did he ever do to you? You’re not right.
Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could Shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier.
Curio #1: Tiger Woods to climb over a mountain of paternity tests, discovers the solution to his problems.
Let us cut to the chase, has Tiger Woods been forced to take 137 paternity tests by Floridian lawmakers? No. But it presents an interesting point. Ever since Eldrick T. Woods was outed as a philanderer, he’s lost the ability to drive a golf ball (or car). Which is a shame. Now, I’m not saying that what he did wasn’t deplorable, as it certainly was, and I certainly would call for all the teeth in his head if he did it to me, but the direct correlation between losing his mojo but having his mojo revealed, is obvious.
— Daily Squat (@DailySquat) May 29, 2017
Much like Sampson with his hair, Hemingway with his booze and Hunter S. Thompson with everything else, it clearly seems that clandestine extra-marital affairs is the source of Tiger’s golf game brilliance. Now, lawyers of Tiger, it’s not a criticism, or certainly libel, because I’m a big fan. I just want him to break Nicklaus’ record, and seeing him barely able to swing a club, much like the serial office pest that invited himself to the golf outing pains me to see.
Give Woods back his strumpets. Not for him, but for the rest of us.
We’ve had my fill of Crying Tiger.
Curio #2: Finnish airline wants to know your weight, to judge the meals you have after dinner.
Let me preface this story with the preface that was listed above. The weighing of airline passengers in Finland is not about fat-shaming, absolutely not. Probably because only 23% of the Finnish are obese, compared to hefty 60+ percent of us. Straya.
— PCMag (@PCMag) November 2, 2017
Finnair is the airline responsible for this rampant piece of clickbait (the above is just one example of many, not a knock on you, PCMag), and much like every other piece of clickbait in existence, or indeed air travel for that matter, the journey quickly becomes boring when you realise the totality of the dourness that sits in your lap, wanting to fill you in on the extremely interesting job that feeds their cat.
The actual reason has something to do with accurately charting the estimated fuel economy rates for their flights, according to the current data being inaccurate, and please god make it stop. You can’t make me type it.
Curio #3: Millennial kills Baby-boomer over passe clickbait, because you bloody kids love those bloody phones.
According to many news sources, and the flapping gums of fearful baby-boomers who fail to accept both the encroaching feet of technology and the fact that their time has elapsed, comes the oft-repeated tale of the millennial who unplugged her Pep-Pep’s life support machine to charge her phone.
The story, which let’s be honest, covers neither generation in glory, goes like this:
Ally Louia, a 26-year old girl went to the hospital yesterday to visit her grandpa, who was suffering from lung cancer. When the nurse and other family members weren’t present, the young girl decided to disconnect the life support from her grandpa, because she needed to charge her phone.
“Let’s see: my phone was at 1%, which can be described as a critical situation. Besides, my mother asked me to text her how my grandpa was doing right after getting to the hospital, so I had to do it”, Louia said in the defence.
Who believes this tripe? Not I. That being said, while the Lord may work in mysterious ways, the teachings of Charles Darwin do not, as perhaps the apathetic/selfish hands of the millennial might indeed be those of righteous death, and the pulled plug the ancient verb of natural selection.
If not, why in the bed in the first place, Pop?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to charge my phone.