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While you were asleep: Mugabe refuses to quit, Salim Mehajer charged, UK to outlaw plastic

Monday. Why always you? Between then and now, we’ve had Robert Mugabe refusing to back down, Salim Mehajer face the music, and the UK got well serious with plastic, innit?

 

 

Mugabe takes final form, as angry old man yelling from atop a cloud.

Say what you want about Robert Mugabe, and he’ll probably ignore you. Even if you have a tank at his doorstep and a bayonet at his neck. Last night, on the wave of one of the strangest coups in recorded history, where an illegal grab of power by the military has been greeted by the populace latching onto the hope for greater democratic change (eh?), it was time for Mugabe to address his flock, the sheeple who he fleeced and who are now braying for change.

As it turns out, not so much. In a move that should surely elevate him to the status of poster boy to every cranky old coot to the world over (if they indeed entertained the idea of hanging posters on walls), Mugabe refused to step down, ignoring the pages the military literally prompted him to read.

 

I mean, and I don’t want to be coarse here. And a bloodless coup is better than the other type, but I feel bad for the military. They’ve been accommodating, reasonable and borderline nice. And this is what they get. Disrespect. Maybe next time you should just read from the Lumumba playbook. Just saying.

 

 

Salim Mehajer thrown in jail, affords populace ancient throwback.

Many of us are cursed by birth. Leafing through the pages of history, it becomes obvious that we’ve missed out on a lot. We missed the swinging hep-cat hepatitis grip of the roaring twenties, we missed the cake eating fad of the revolution, and we certainly missed the decadent give-no-fuckery of the Roman Empire in its gaudy pits.

However, we do have the faintest sliver of what those times might have been in sometime local official and full time breathing headline, Salim Mehajer. I don’t want to attach labels that might be taken as anything but their original intention (pejorative), but he is the fiddling, swerving gaudy Nero of the local government system. Everything has a large scale to it. Be it wedding celebrations, or the colour of effluent the citizens of Rome metaphorically hurl at to stain his wine-painted robes.

 

The Emperors of yore, be it whatever their fancy, took it too far. Be it grand copulations, food comas or murdering the populace for entertainment. Unfortunately, they didn’t have to report to investors on a monthly basis, or indeed the superheated hair-splittery of the Senate Estimates, so your estimates in the level of fun they might have had might be in error. You see, as Mehajer has evidenced, too much of a good thing is not that wonderful. Especially if you’re the last one up and still partying when everyone else is getting ready to go to work.

 

 

UK looks to outlaw plastic, trophy partners the world over attempt to weep.

The material that powered the most material of generations, plastic, has fallen on hard times. While governments around the globe look to banish the archaic objects fact into the fires of the past from which they were born, you have to quietly weep at the legislated extermination of a once proud and loud community, never again will we heard the crinkled song washing over train carriages when I’m trying to sleep, thank you.

 

The only thing left to do, is respect its passing. This morning, #putoutyourtakeawaycontainers.

But not in the garden, obvs.

 

 

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