Frank Rarely, our esteemed Fake News correspondent weighs in with 20 quick fixes that might see Malcolm last until Boxing Day.
1) Don a red hoodie, acquire a huge sack full of goodies, hire a sleigh with a few reindeer attached and go on a nationwide gift-giving tour.
2) Persuade the Foundation for National Parks and Wildlife to list him as an endangered species.
3) Perform a miracle like winning Newspoll.
4) Warn Bennelong voters that electing a septic tank to parliament could cause blockages in the legislature after the first flush.
5) Make it known that Julie Bishop needs another ten years as deputy before she’s ready to step up.
6) Send coals to South Australia rather than Newcastle because their need is much greater.
7) Persuade the Abbott to take a spell in a monastery as a Trappist monk.
8) Legalise bigamy for bisexuals provided they marry one of each.
9) Claim credit for the onset of gay divorce from January 2018.
10) Make it absolutely clear that he can’t be held responsible for major Queensland disasters like the state election, Pauline Hanson and Clive Palmer.
11) Develop Manus Island as the world’s leading five-star asylum seeker resort.
12) Order a Royal Commission into whether there will ever be enough cash left over for a budget surplus while the banks are making such huge profits.
13) Organise another postal vote to determine whether there’s enough support for keeping non-gay marriage going as well.
14) Decide if it’s fair that Australia should now be left to take all the blame for Barnaby Joyce.
15) Resist the temptation to nominate Lucy as his successor.
16) Announce that as part of government policy to sustain unemployment levels the NBN rollout will go on for ever.
17) Before accepting Don Burke as a parliamentary candidate for the Liberal Party check to see whether he’s a dual citizen.
18) Move Trump from the Christmas card list to the shit-list.
19) Characterise Blackout Bill as a bigger Christmas turn-off than Scrooge.
20) Recharge and reinvigorate the Coalition by announcing he’ll step down in 2018.