Two Truths and a Lie

Fake news or real: Trump outlaws carols, December is peak robbery month, The dark origin of ‘we wish you a merry Christmas’

‘Tis the season to be superfluous. Welcome to a very special investigation of the jingling bulltwang surrounding Christmas. 

 

 

Direct from the nether regions of the Internet wasteland comes the sparkled brown plinth of pseudo-truth – or, spoken in its native tongue: “fake news”. It’s a journey we’ve resisted undertaking until we could Shanghai a worthy (unpaid) voyager to bring back the most ornate, exotic and off-smelling spices from the far side of the bugle. Yes, we’ve risked extensive malware cancer to deliver pointless snippets of Internet curio, but treat the lack of knowledge within the mystery pages below with due respect and trepidation, for their edges are moist with the blood of perished interns – those befallen by the disclaimer that warned them of the mortal shock that lay in wait, which they sadly ignored. What they look like now will indeed blow your mind, as it did theirs, wallpapering the cavernous interiors of the tomb that echoed their last click.

Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.

 

Internet Curio #1: Trump outlaws Christmas music, wishes you a merry affidavit.

In a move that is surely more home on a cheaply made t-shirt, or bumper sticker on a cheaply made automobile than the floor of Congress, comes the snarky promise that playing the seasonal tunes of Christmas before the season proper is a crime worthy of the stockade, or to be tenderised with a stick until very much dead.

Which is true, if you happen to believe it. But in a more universal sense, it is very much false, as the Trump-era laws are actually a stitch up sewn by the forces of Christian satire. And as evidenced by history’s pages, those keen on Jeebus are also down for comedy gold, ribaldry frankincense and exotic miiirrrth.

As reported by The Babylon Bee, the law passed without challenge:

It’s easy to focus on everything going wrong with our country, so much so that we often don’t stop to take a minute and be thankful for the good things our leaders accomplish from time to time.

Take the most recent legislation passed by Congress, for instance: as of Tuesday, it is now a federal crime to play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.

Any storefront, home, or radio station playing songs like “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” “Rockin Around the Christmas Tree,” or “Last Christmas” is subject to immediate search by federal authorities, who have been instructed to arrest the perpetrator onsite and bring him or her to a secret CIA facility for questioning. Upon conviction, the suspect is subject to up to 20 years in federal prison.

To be momentarily authentic, the fact the that law does not exist is a bit of a blow for Trumples. He could do with a win that would unify both disparate sides of the political canyon.

Christmas Jeers indeed.

 

Internet Curio #2: People who break into your house actually have the holidays off.

One of the more enduring Christmas tropes is having someone breaking into your residence to lift your wares and drop your Christmas spirit. Which is a worry. Especially for those of who are not crafty eight-year-olds, abandoned in an opulent Chicago manor, replete with an ornate system of booby traps that’d bring the Viet Cong dangerously close to climax. For the rest of us, we need to make do. But how real is the threat?

We don’t know. But we can tell you what people fear. Darwinism in the form of pilfered electronics.

Over in Internetland, the rhetoric is nervous, and nervously sifting through your sidewalk trash, warning of the dangers of being obvious, stating:

 

 

Holy Hyperbole! Which, look. Let’s not discount it as a possibility. The obvious leaving of obvious boxes outside your house does hint at what’s within, but let us be real here. If you throw out a box, you deserve to be robbed…by the parent company of your new electronic child when it comes time to execute that warranty. Doi.

But, interestingly enough there is enough research to suggest that December isn’t even the prime month for housebreaking, as a 2013 CNN Money report took a stab at substantiating the belief that burglars are spurred on by holiday bounties, but coming up somewhat dwarfish:

In several states, according to the FBI, December is the peak month for burglaries as folks leave homes unattended during the holidays … Nationally, burglaries peak during the summer vacations, though December is close behind.

Many families take off, leaving homes empty — except for all the gifts. And winter storms can make it obvious that nobody’s home.

“Criminals drive through neighborhoods looking for places to burglarize,” said Hayden. “If there’s newly fallen snow that hasn’t been shoveled, they figure the home is empty.”

He added that many townspeople put their beautifully decorated Christmas trees — and all the gift packages stacked beneath them — right at the front of the living room.

“Burglars can walk around and window-shop,” said Hayden.

The criminals are already aware that homes are filled with loot this time of year — jewelry, televisions, smart phones and computers. Sometimes homeowners advertise what they got for Christmas by putting out for trash collection the empty boxes their gifts came in, according to Gary Holliday, deputy chief of the Knoxville, Tenn., police department … To minimize(sic) risk, police advise homeowners to cut up boxes and stuff them into black garbage bags before putting them out for collection.

“Social media is a great thing for people but it’s a great thing for criminals too,” said Holliday. “Criminals stake out the Internet.”

Womp womp.

 

Internet Curio #3: ‘We wish you a Merry Christmas’ actually originated in the mouths of beggars.

Yes. Absolutely true. The song that welcomes itself on your doorstep by fresh-faced carolers has a rather less festive past, as the original version of the song originated in the sixteenth century, and was strictly sung by those most crushed by society. You see, back in the day, carolers were the homeless, the poor and enfeebled who’d knock on the doors of nobility for the crumbs off their many tables.

To be more accurate, they’d desire figgy pudding, and refuse to leave until their demands were met.

Apparently, it was sung by others, in apparent jest, which is both cruel, unusual, and completely understandable, knowing how we humans usually process a horror we don’t understand.

Now, everybody, big voices. You know the tune:

“We Wish You a Merry Christmas”

Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring us some figgy pudding
Now bring us some figgy pudding
And bring it right here.

We won’t go until we get some
We won’t go until we get some
We won’t go until we get some
So bring it right here…

 

 

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