TBS Learns To Love

Firedooring: The newest online dating weapon that will not break us

‘Firedooring’ is merely the latest term birthed from the hips of an apathetic 2017. However, those veterans of the daily battle of finding a partner will not be phased.

 

 

If love is a battlefield, the weapons in which we fight that war have changed. The global romantic leviathan trundling over the shards of shrapnel and bodies of lost love is nothing new, but this foul year of our lonely lord, two thousand and seventeen saw the theatre expand to the sea, as submarining became the newest front. Elsewhere, we made with the Ouija board and returned with ghosting, all the way to selfishly throwing ourselves on the explosive ordinance of sudden heartbreak, in cushioning. Seemingly, what we seem to prefer is a clandestine approach to killing love. A quiet knife in back, or blow to the stomach is preferred to calling in the heavy artillery.

Like all romantic pursuits, heartbreak is only interesting if it’s happening to you. And of course, it is to me. Not too long ago, I received my orders to leave the front and return home to the arms of someone new. However, that was merely a temporary leave, as my marching orders soon came through, forcing me to return to the trenches. Now that I’ve rediscovered the horrors of the front, the naked barbarism has thrown me. And I do mean naked. Has it always been this bad?

Previous battles fought and won now irrelevant, and every new cut suffered is deep and hurts like the first time. Why did you not return my complex attempt at humour on Tinder, Magda? Am I supposed to reject 45 people a night on the plastic basis of first impressions? Is this the new normal? How much more fight do I have in me, before I get desperate and attempt to shoot myself in the foot to get out of it?

 

The latest weapon we aim at each other in anger is called “Firedooring”, which is a relationship that only operates in one way. Put simply, you only call me when you want something.

 

The latest weapon we aim at each other in anger is called “Firedooring”, which is a relationship that only operates in one way. Put simply, you only call me when you want something.

Yes, it is already a thing, and it already has a name. But, not a label you can express with quicksilver thumbs via text, or pointed inwardly at your shirt which reflects your text. Firedooring is the next greatest dating quirk you hope you’re not subject to. According to love/war correspondent, Rebecca Reid: “Basically, if you have any kind of relationship with someone where all of the access comes from one side…and any attempt for you to make it a two-way street is shot down.”

Jesus. And while we clash to protect our hope of that love we yearn to possess as our friends do, will we continue, whatever the cost may be. And indeed, we will use new-fangled dating weapons in our hands and endure the awful technological advancements invented purely to reduce us to our most basic of instincts.

As Leo Tolstoy, creator of app-based dating (look it up), knew what he was talking when he said that the two most powerful warriors are patience and time. Come at me, dating world. You will not break me, or my kind.

Our motto: Either we all get laid, or we die.

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