Fake News is often an arrow through the neck with a gas bill attached to it. This week, the state of California entered a state of confusion, and while Iceland wants your girth, India certainly doesn’t need it.
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the Trumpdora’s box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.
Internet Curio #1: California outlaws the drinking straw. Sort of.
There’s nothing more than the general populace loves more than vaguely worded legislation that might or might not be enforced. The California Assembly, you fucking tease. Emanating from the silliest of states is the plot to halt the proliferation of plastic, by outlawing the spread of unsolicited drinking straws. Which, for those of you playing at home, is ostensibly the same law that holds prostitutes. As far as Cali lawmakers are concerned, you should be putting your lips on neither, young person.
But, the kicker is that it’s not illegal. It’s for awareness purposes. Which, yeah. I am confusion. America explain.
I’d like to clarify that #AB1884 (Straws Upon Request) is (a) NOT a ban; (b) should it become law, it will NOT make it a crime for servers to provide plastic straws. My intention is simply to raise awareness about the detrimental effects of plastic straws on our environment.
— Ian C. Calderon (@IanCalderon) 26 January 2018
Further to the above Tweet, Calderon outlined the thinking behind the proposal in a press release:
“We need to create awareness around the issue of one-time use plastic straws and its detrimental effects on our landfills, waterways, and oceans,” stated Majority Leader Calderon. “AB-1884 is not ban on plastic straws. It is a small step towards curbing our reliance on these convenience products, which will hopefully contribute to a change in consumer attitudes and usage.”
Plastic is a material that lasts forever, yet 33 percent of all plastics are used just once and thrown away. Only percent of all plastics are recycled, but due to their small size and lack of a resin code, no straws are ever recycled. After their one-time use, non-biodegradable plastic straws often end up in our oceans and waterways where they break down into smaller, micro-size pieces that are discarded into our environment. They are oftentimes mistaken as food by marine life.
In fact, critics of AB-1884 point to the new section of the Retail Food section of the California Health and Safety Code, violations of which are misdemeanors “punishable by a fine of not less than $25 or more than $1,000, or by imprisonment in the county jail for a term not exceeding 6 months, or by both.”
In return, Calderon planted: “We aren’t criminalizing (sic) anything,”
So it is, but it isn’t. So, what is it?
I mean the biggest thing to come out of this is probably the fact that “Straws Upon Request” will probably be coming to a local pub’s local music night in the form of a mumblecore band that butchers Radiohead hits, but the question remains: can we use straws to drink our Gin as we watch them…or not?
Internet Curio #2: Iceland is willing to pay foreigners to diddle their womenfolk.
The toxic adolescent fancy of travelling to some faraway place to rut the local population has lived for far too long. You could probably immediately finger the Victorian English for colonisation, and the trite tales they brought back about exotic maidens of loose morals and enlarged coconuts, or you can blame that specky jousty shit from Love Actually, who flew to Minnesota purely to get his end wet, before bamboozling the locals with minor differences in linguistics, because group sex, because he’s sahhh British.
What the fuck, Richard Curtis.
However, in the world of fake news, it’s very much a real thing. According to the fine people of Iceland, their womens need attention. So much so that they’re prepared to pay whichever swinging dick who trades in Rouse Hill for Reykjavík $5000 a month.
I mean, if you believe that, you’d probably believe this syntactically impaired post that launched the plot:
“breaking news about iceland country incredible but true if you are interested read the full story iceland team was able to achieve an unprecedented achievement in the European after sending England packing Iceland will hope to spring an even more dramatic surprise on one of Europe’s footballing superpowers in the quarter finals as they take on hosts France.
Thanks to this win, Iceland became a place of world attention and deliberated some news sites a number of amusing news related to this As the number of population of the country and its customs and traditions
Perhaps the most prominent of our attention the story that it’s because of the high proportion of females than males have resorted government of that country to the solution is to grant $5,000 per month per immigrant marries Icelandic, and that the priority in this resolution will go to North Africa’s population
leave your comment if you are interested in this offer”
So, sadly, no. No-one wants to pay you for your subpar downstairs friction. Despite this, many male readers were interested in the offer. “Over at least the past week now,” the Icelandic website The Reykjavík Grapevine reported, “numerous Icelandic women on Facebook have attested to being practically spammed with friend requests from non-Icelandic men that they do not know.”
Y’all are Colin Frissells.
Internet Curio #3: India farmers are increasing the size of their stalks with this miracle drug. Follow this link to receive a 66% discount.
Those that don’t know what Oxytocin is, it’s the miracle drug that enabled your mum to have you, and in turn, have you disappoint her on birthday every year when you forget to call her. However, some pioneering characters in India have decided to pump their vegetables with the same material.
On 28 July 2010, the Hindustan Times reported on an e-mail sent from the Indian Minister of Health to other lawmakers, warning of the dangers of farmers’ using the animal hormone oxytocin to boost the size and appearance of their produce:
[Minister for Health Dinesh] Trivedi wants states to crack down on the illegal use of the prescription drug Oxytocin in fruit and vegetable — a drug that can cause headaches, dizziness, confusion, seizures, heart disorders, sterility, nervous breakdowns and memory loss when taken over time. Any kind of chemical ripening of fruit is prohibited under the Prevention of Food Adulteration Rules.
“Farmers are blatantly using hormone shots to speed up the growth of their vegetables. These hormones may cause irreparable damage to our health, if taken through these vegetables, over a period of time. […] Even more shocking is that the public/authorities are not aware of this malpractice,” wrote Trivedi in a letter to Union Health Secretary Sujatha Rao.
Now, is it true? Yes, but also no. It’s not, but its usage is an open secret. In fact, human hormone popped in some veg has a lengthy and storied history as an illegal additive to dairy products all around the globe, including the United States. Limited research, however, actually indicates that the hormone could play a role in enhancing plant growth as well, albeit through mechanisms that are not yet fully understood.
Consider it illegal from a place of stupidity. We can’t allow it, because we don’t get it, maaan. Which dangerously sounds close to the kind of diatribe a University friend of your partner (that you’ve never met, or heard about prior to this meeting), would spout just after offering you a clearly illegal substance. So, yes, while you take it, primarily to not lose face, the last logical thought that swims in your head prior to it being drowned in a sea of fluorescent is ‘did they used to be like that too?’
And that’s what oxytocin does to vegetables. It makes you doubt what you previously held as true.