The internet is a bent monarch, with Fake News the jewel in its crown. This week, Greenpeace got real edgy, a man found something and a rat smelled nice. So, what’s fake?
Whether you believe anything below is entirely up to you and your mental dexterity. It’s worth mentioning that we at The Big Smoke take no responsibility for what lies within the Trumpdora’s box, nor do we trifle with the troll gods or meme lords who created it. We’re simply the vessel. Or carrier. Whichever.
Internet Curio #1 – Um…
The red herring is an extremely questionable fish. While you’re unable to eat it (primarily because it doesn’t exist), it still produces that distinctly fishy odour. When this pungent titbit swam across the single piece of plywood propped up by bricks that I call my workstation, my fingers impulsively pinched my nose, as the URL for this article leads one down the path of incorrect assumption: Man finds 19 year old…
Oh, a nineteen year old? Congratulations…I’m not sure why your inability to grow with the rest of us is newsworthy, but what do they do? Are they still in school? Ohhh that’s nice. School’s fuuunn…..
In actuality, the reality is far different (good), and far more boring (very bad), as the article published by The Mirror spoke of a man named John Walker, who forgot to use his plane ticket 19 years ago.
As it turns out, he can still use it. I mean, the airline had since gone bust, but considering that Mr Walker spent all that time on hold, someone at the call centre decided to honour the agreement anyway. Which probably cost the Customer Service Representative their job. Follow the rules, kids.
For the record, I’d like to apologise to Mr Walker for the assumption that he was up to morally questionable chicanery. Soz.
Unless he uses the plane ticket to find someone the same age as it.
Internet Curio #2 – Greenpeace pushes for edgy new campaign.
It’s been a couple of grim years for Greenpeace, as their uber-environmental message has been drowned out by more radical fare. I mean, if you’re a militantly lefty type, you’re probably going to donate your time to the Sea Shepherd, because they’re the sexier option. Plus, volunteering on a pseudo pirate ship is all about the extremely casual sex once you’re back home, after your oh, just spending six months on the ‘Shepherd. The sea is real important to me. Are you and your friend sisters?
The Greenpeace PR department knows this, hence why they circulated this Fake News piece, which explained how one of their volunteers lost an arm while trying to hug a shark.
The above image appeared in the notoriously bogus World News Daily Report which stated:
“An environmental activist was almost killed Yesterday in the Indian Ocean, after the great white shark he was trying to hug suddenly attacked him and bit his arm off.
21-year old Darrell Waterford, from Eugene in Oregon, was participating in a promotional video for Greenpeace, some 100 nautical miles away from the Australian city of Perth.”
While the article might be fake, the new direction Greenpeace is taking is clear.
Tree huggling? Nah, we’re into shark hugging now. It’s pretty cool.
Internet Curio #3 – Rat takes shower, world showers him with affection.
It was the barely passable puff news item of the week. The rat who thinks he’s people. Look, it’s showering. Tee hee.
The video, which we lathered with far too much attention momentarily washing away the guilt of wasting our pointlessly cruel lives, as we all collectively wondered what is he doing?
Now, the conversation around the internet decided to settle in for numerous bouts of pedantism, as armchair and legitimate experts alike squabbled over what kind of animal it was. Now, I don’t want to ruin whatever it is that you’re doing, but it’s not a rat. It’s a Pacarana.
What’s a pacarana? Well, it’s a rodent. And they shower like people.
Para quienes criticaron que pusimos a la Pacarana🐀 bañándose en una gráfica, les contamos que es normal ese movimiento que hacen, además ese Shampoo que le pusieron es para mascotas 😏
Recuerda, en tus duchas #CuidaElAgua 🚿 pic.twitter.com/tFyIPPNVi6
— Ministerio Energía (@MinEnergia) 31 January 2018
Now, you may be thinking, well it’s still a rodent, why are you wasting my time? Well. I absolutely agree with you. I was making the point that all the time we spent on the showering rat could have been spent on something else. Anything else. Considering all time is luck, and no-one is here on purpose, nor do we get that time back, it’s probably best we all pause next time we see something shower and feel compelled to share it with our circle.
Step away from the clickbait.