Fake News is a lot like that freaky bar in Star Wars. Everyone is ugly, the music sucks and there are limbs littering the floor. Are we really going to find a pilot of truth in here?
As Francis Bacon once said: “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” And he’d know, as he created Bacon & Eggs one morning back in 1626 when his arm fell into the pan he was cooking breakfast in.
Fake News is a lot like that (the beauty part, not breakfast), it’s often brutal, ugly and smells questionable, but for some reason, you cannot look away. It’s imperfectly perfect. So, you gawp and screw your neck in its direction when it proudly struts by you, as you wonder what a life shared with it would be like.
But, know that you cannot trap Fake News, you can’t put a ring on it and quietly shuffle it off to suburbia. Sadly, it will remain a love felt from afar, briefly interspersed by numerous bouts of hatefucking. But know this, it’ll leave you unfulfilled, and the cigarettes you smoke afterwards will not bring you two closer. Fake News will never change. It’s best you move on as quick as possible, and find someone who deserves you. Someone boring, like objective fact. They’re always texting you. Call them.
We’re driving to Fake News’s house aren’t we? Ok.
Internet Curio #1 – Interactive tattoos inform diabetics when blood sugar is low.
Stereotypes are a lot like leftovers. No-one really likes the taste, and given the choice, you’d rather not digest it. We’d all rather banish it to the far side of the freezer. But, bitterly, you can’t be bothered cooking up something fresh, so you reheat it.
With that in mind, there are two types of people who love elevating their condition through the medium of permanency. Diabetics and Vegans. However, the former might be afforded a slight reprieve from our easy castigations, as it seems that their self-referential splodges of ink actually serve a point.
Come at me, vegans.
As reflected in our most fairest mirror of all, the meme, it seems that the technology is actually legitimate.
Apparently, traditional tattoo inks are replaced with biosensors whose colours change in response to variations in the interstitial fluid.
Internet Curio #2 – Reversing your PIN the wrong thing to do, as it totally snitches on your mugger.
The rash of suburbia is moisted by the seeping pus of rumour. Alongside the pairs of shoes flung over powerlines that indicate the existence of drugs in the house directly below it, or the idea that those who tattle-tale receive free medical treatment, comes the theory that if you type your ATM pin backwards, it actions the police to your location. No, idiot. No, it doesn’t.
This piece of internet codswallop was actually one of the original web porkies, as Adam told Eve in the Garden when that snake was totally standing waaaay too close during her transaction. In fact, we should probably use gloves when discussing it, as the sheer age of it may see it tumble to the recycle bin.
As you can see from the ancient .txts gleaned from the dark times of 2008-09, the original warning was pleasant, followed by the second message, presumably typed by a stressed savage at the exact moment of being mugged.
[Collected via e-mail, December 2008]
PIN NUMBER REVERSAL
If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in reverse.
For example if your pin number is 1234 then you would put in 4321.
The ATM recognizes that your pin number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine
The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to help you.
This information was recently broadcast on CTV and it states that it is seldom used because people don’t know it exists.
I checked with my Bank of Nova Scotia to see if this was correct and staff said yes this information is correct.
Please pass this along to everyone possible.
[Collected via e-mail, June 2009]
WHEN A THIEF FORCES YOU TO TAKE MONEY FROM THE ATM, DO NOT ARGUE OR RESIST, YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW WHAT HE OR SHE MIGHT DO TO YOU. WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IS TO PUNCH YOUR PIN IN THE REVERSE, I..E IF YOUR PIN IS 1254, YOU PUNCH 4521.
THE MOMENT YOU PUNCH IN THE REVERSE, THE MONEY WILL COME OUT BUT WILL BE STUCK INTO THE MACHINE HALF WAY OUT AND IT WILL ALERT THE POLICE WITHOUT THE NOTICE OF THE THIEF. EVERY ATM HAS IT; IT IS SPECIALLY MADE TO SIGNIFY DANGER AND HELP. NOT EVERYONE IS AWARE OF THIS.
FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND THOSE YOU CARE
OK, ANCIENT DUDE.
Actually, as a matter of fact. I think we’ve already busted this myth.
Internet Curio #3 – Sugar in the gas tank mode of revenge may be a thing. Or not.
Ah yes, the old sugar in the gas tank schtick. Second only to hiding shellfish in the vehicle of your selfish ex-lover’s whip. Hell hath no fury like lurid fantasies of revenge. The obvious point to expand on is whether it actually happened in the first place. You’d have to assume for something to be so collectively held, someone would have to be victimised by it.
The internet is inconclusive, only promoting a rash of TRUE stories:
I wanted to share a TRUE story with all of you. I heard about this last week and found out, that it is indeed TRUE. This happened to Cathy Conaway’s sister, who lives in North Guyton. She went to the Wal-Mart in Pooler about 11:00 one night about 1-2 weeks ago. (I’m sure this is familiar for a lot of us). When she parked her car, there was a van parked right next to her. She heard noise coming from inside but didn’t see anyone in it. (didn’t think much about it then)
About 1a.m. she was leaving and noticed that the van was now parked in front of her vehicle. Getting a little nervous (that gut feeling) she went back inside and asked if a security guard could walk her out. As they were loading her car, the van pulled out and left.
Blah blah blah, some things happened that didn’t happen, and this wasn’t in the original post, but I started skimming so I took certain liberties with the narrative. And we’re back in three, two, cue in…They have found the man and he is back in jail. He is from Walterboro, S.C. I thought I would share this with you since Christmas shopping nights are just ahead. PLEASE be aware of your surroundings where ever you go. As for me, I’m getting a LOCKING gas cap. They sell them (where else but) Wal-Mart. Anyway, the bottom line is: BE CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop yelling, idiot.
Anyway, it’s false, as apparently someone did the research and nothing matched up the crimes to those dates. However, if anyone has actually made the sugary gasoline margarita of revenge, please put your name, address and confession on the back of a postcard and send it to 1 Lawson St, Redfern NSW 2016.
Incidentally, upon Googling that address, I discovered that people rated the police station as a business, and did so quite highly. Three stars is pretty good, considering that only the harshest of critics swim in those waters.