In a rather inclusive exclusive, our Fake News cadet sat down with Peter Dutton to discuss her thesis. Make contain traces of falsehoods.
Fake News’ cadet correspondent Liza Plenty recently graduated in fake journalism without honours at the Rooty Hill campus of Trump University. This exclusive interview with Peter Dutton formed a major part of her thesis.
“Tell me Peter” began Liza “what is the overall direction of your future immigration policy?”
“My policy is essentially based on a number of learned papers by Pauline Hanson” explained Peter “in which she expounded the theory that the most effective way to reduce racism in a society is by reducing the number of races.”
“But surely” commented Liza “Australian society has benefitted greatly from the cultural diversity flowing from multiculturalism.”
“While cultural diversity is undoubtedly beneficial” concurred Peter “we don’t need refugees to achieve it we just need recipes. My wife isn’t Italian but she makes the best spaghetti I’ve ever tasted and although Pauline isn’t a Pom she serves world-class fish and chips.”
“Are you considering accepting political refugees fleeing from Putin?” enquired Liza.
“Only if they are White Russians and furthermore I’m not going to accept any nuclear families from North Korea especially if they arrive here on an intercontinental ballistic missile.”
“Are you moving back to a White Australia policy?” asked Liza incisively.
“Not really, it’s just that I have a natural inclination to accept refugees who are just as colourless as I am.”
“What is your policy on refugees from those countries that Trump described as ‘shithole’?” asked Liza unflinchingly.
“I’m working with the PM on a visionary plan to encourage them to stay put. We’re sending Harpic-based foreign aid.”
“Do you and Pauline share the same views on immigration?” asked Liza without batting an eyelid.
“Absolutely, we are both especially concerned about the fact that once they’re here the main priority for refugees seems to be making Australia just like the country they couldn’t wait to leave or have been kicked out of. We’ve actually got thousands of refugees here who want to get rid of pubs and Christmas and think Australia Day is racist.”
“Would you and Pauline like to see immigration to Australia reduced?” asked Liza pointedly.
“We would certainly like to see Australia follow nations like Syria, Cuba and Nigeria where there is a greater emphasis on emigration than immigration. Emigration can bestow so many benefits on our society like lower carbon emissions, an alternative direction for people smugglers and it helps convert immigration into a two-way street.”
“Why are you so keen on welcoming South African farmers to this country?” asked Liza topically.
“Because they are infinitely preferable as refugees to ex-President Zuma. If he sought sanctuary here with his six wives it would inevitably kick-start a Greens’ campaign for the legalisation of polygamy.”
Liza Plenty is convinced that fake news plays a vital therapeutic role in the fight against depression and anxiety by preventing people from appreciating what a truly awful mess the world is really in.